Withdrawing from the world
Thu, 29/10/2009 - 00:15
When things start getting too much to handle, do you find yourself withdrawing from the world around you?
I find there are times (of extreme pressure) when I just don't want to see or talk to anyone.
Is it just a survival mechanism?
Thu, 29/10/2009 - 13:22
#2
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Julie,
Even when I am withdrawing, I know it is at that point in time that I need people the most.
My emotional strength battery has got too low and needs recharging and a 'jump start' from someone else's battery would help give me the power I need to get home and recharge fully.
Yet, all too often, no jump start is offerred. The silence is deafening.
Rarely do I come home from dropping my boys at school and find a message on my answering machine, "just called to say Hello and see how you're doing".
Is that why we withdraw, to protect ourselves from the possibility of others letting us down again?
Fri, 30/10/2009 - 13:02
#3
Re: Withdrawing from the world
hmmm i need to think on this one and will get back to you.
Fri, 30/10/2009 - 08:13
#4
Re: Withdrawing from the world
I'm a carer and even I find myself withdrawing at times and yes, it's usually when I'm feeling extremely stressed. I don't want to talk to people, put on the niceties or talk about boring crap. I just want to be on my own (or with my husband) resting, doing stuff I/we enjoy and shutting myself off from the rest of the world for a bit to concentrate on me for 5 minutes.
I don't think we should apologise for it though. We're all going through something that is very emotionally challenging and we should do what we feel is necessary to re-charge our batteries. Sometimes, we just can't cope with cancer AND everything else going on and that's to be expected.
Just do what is needed to help you get you through.
Fri, 30/10/2009 - 18:26
#5
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hiya Mrs Elton
I have thought some on this one.
Its different i think being a carer to a patient. People often perceive the patient as the person needing all the help and tend to forget about the carers perhaps?
Friends and family are not always going to live up to our expectations and sometimes it just takes us to reach out and actually say what we need. Even though at times it is blatantly obvious to us what we are needing, other people i feel dont see it so clearly.
Julie
Fri, 30/10/2009 - 23:32
#6
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Julie,
You are so right! other people don't see it so clearly.
I have always been a person who thinks of others, if I hear that it is someones birthday or anniversary, I make a note of it and then wish them all the best on the day. I don't stand by and watch someone struggling, I lend a hand.
I care about people and it pisses me off that now that i need a bit of caring, there are very few who make me FEEL they care, even though I KNOW that they care.
There is a huge difference between knowing something and FEELING it.
I have told people if they don't feel comfortable talking with me then they could send me a text letting me know they are thinking of me. Result - negligible. I have said to people who are concerned about upsetting me by saying the wrong thing, that there is nothing that they can say that will be worse than what this cancer diagnosis has made me feel and that they should just say, Hi how ya doing today? That gives me the option of continuing the conversation or saying, not up to talking about it today. At least that way they are acknowledging it.
Saying nothing makes me feel like they don't care.
It's only a feeling, feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings.
Still, I am so GLAD to have found this website, it has really helped me and I am so grateful to people like you who have shared with me.
Jill.
Fri, 06/11/2009 - 12:16
#7
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Jill
I am not giving them an excuse just giving you an explanation. I think people can't cope with us changing.
In my case I am the go to person in the family. I have been since since I was 18. Mum and dad used to rely on me for errands. With my husband, he'll willingly tell you that I run the house, his schedule and the kids schedule. I make things happen. So, when I couldn't do that any more...what happened? Noone would believe me! About a month ago, things came to a head and I went to see my GP for a few days off work. I was just too exhausted to give a damn any more. She gave me a week off. On my first day off hubby had a list of 3 things he needed me to do for him and mum had a list of 2 things. I was so tired (emotionally and physically) just the thought of getting dressed had me on the verge of tears. Did I get any rest during that week? very little....I even told everyone at home to pretend I did not exist for a week (mum and dad are currently living with us to help out). That lasted for about 15 minutes.
So you see, although you would like people to understand that you could do with a return of at least some of the care and concern you have shown them, it will take time for them to adjust to the idea of you needing some tlc not being the one giving the tlc.
Keep asking and eventually they'll get the idea.
I joined the gym four weeks ago (after my week off did not work) and now at least twice a week I get 2 hours all to myself to reclaim my sanity.
And if they still dont hear you...dont worry...you have us on this forum 
Thu, 03/12/2009 - 00:39
#8
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Mrs Elton,
I go through the same thing all the time. Like you I am the one who cooks a meal for my sick friend, or reminds a mate its his wife's birthday or the like. I am the one who makes a lot of noise about the importance of fundraising, or the one people come too to whinge about their lives (or usually their husbands lol). Yet, just as you have found, I have struggled to find that support for myself. A girlfriend who I haven't seen since before T's cancer is visiting this weekend from SA. She really, really needs me apparently as she is turning 40 and just CAN'T cope with that without me. I hope I have the strength not to give it to her with both barrels as I am waaayyyyy over trivial melodrama. Definately no enegiser batteries in this lil bunny!!! May I add that she has called me about three times in these last nine months. Reminds me why I left lol. A lot of my friends were that way back home. I have chosen a bit carefully up here.
After that big whine, I have found I have a small group of wonderful friends that drag me out for coffee once a week as they noticed me fizzing out lately. I need more fundraisers haha, I always head downwards when I don't have a focus!!
I went up the mountain this weekend. DID NOT want to come home. I love birds, snakes and lizards, (I hear you all go ewwww, but I just love them), and lil marsupials and anything furry and cute. My little daughter shares the same joy over animals. We had such a wonderful time, bushwalking, bird feeding and holding snakes, but it sure broke the bank!!! I don't care though, we needed it. T got out the rucksack and headed into the rainforest for a 5 hour trek. So refreshing, cleared the head and shone a bit of light on the future. First timeI have thought past the next chemo treatment or specialist appointment in ages. maybe I should take a quick runn back uo there before my friend gets here!
Good news! T had his medical and go back to work tomorrow. Exactly nine months to the day after diagnosis.
Take care all
Alana
Thu, 03/12/2009 - 21:39
#9
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Mrs Elton,
Yes, I also withdraw, but I believe this is part of my coping mechanism. As others have mentioned in their comments, there are times when you need re-charge.
Some friends will disappoint you, others really don’t know what to say, so they don’t say “anything”. This is difficult to understand but I believe friends don’t mean to cause harm, this is unfamiliar territory to them as well.
Search for what gives you the energy you need… be it… a favourite walk ….. a family picnic perhaps… time for you alone, watching a movie.. try and do whatever lifts your spirit. I learnt to close my eyes to “an imperfect house”, dust collected, the garden filled with leaves, we often had sandwiches or my “Favourite..baked beans and cheese on toast” (Yuk, you say) for dinner, I just did what I could at the time.
Cancer causes emotional turmoil on our lives, sometimes that turmoil needs to be confined for a time, and as one lady said in support group “she puts the turmoil in a room in her mind and closes the door, she knows it’s still there but she gradually lets it out, in stages she can cope with”.
We each develop our own unique methods of dealing, there is no right or wrong, just what works for you.
Thu, 03/12/2009 - 22:57
#10
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Thanks Alana and Reindeer,
It sure does help to hear that others have the same issues and feelings.
Alana, you can keep your snakes all too yourself! I am not a fan of them in any way. Having said that, ....I am glad that they give you enjoyment, it sounds like the weekend was a great rejuvenator for you all.
Just goes to show how different we all are and what works for one, may not work for another and it really comes down to 'whatever works for you!
Good luck with your '40' year old friend(?), to her it is obviously a 'big' thing, to those of us dealing with cancer and all its complications, another birthday might be exactly what we are hoping for. It's all relative, isn't it.
Reindeer, nothing wrong with baked beans and cheese on toast! and as far as accumulating dust, I have no problem closing my eyes to that....most of the time!!
I like the idea of putting the turmoil into a room in my mind, I will definitely give that a go, thanks for the tip.
Thanks ladies!
Jill.
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 17:44
#11
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi there my name is Chris and I have only found and joined this website today. I have been reading it all day and also crying a lot. My dad who is 83 has oesophageus and has got to the stage where he can't swallow at all and has to have pureed food. He is having a stent put in Friday to give him a little bit of relief. He thinks this will give him years to live but doctors have been telling me it is only a palliative measure and he could go at any time.To make matters worse he lives a 6hr train trip away and refuses to move closer to me! The thing I can't deal with is friends and even close family tell me I'm being silly as he is 83 and had a good life but maybe it is time.That is what I am having trouble with. My health is not good and somedays I cry so much at the thought of being without him that all I want to do is sleep. He has always been my rock and source of emotional strength and I don't know how I will handle life without him. As I've read today it is so good to be able to write your thoughts down without having the fear of people saying "you're so silly you will cope"!!!
Sun, 07/03/2010 - 21:58
#12
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Mrs Elton. Am still trying to find my way around website. Have just read your latest post and I really feel for you. We are years apart as I have grandkids same age as your 2 boys and especially 8yr old grandson is so pset bout his pop. Today he asked when is pop coming down again and he said he will help me with gardening (my dad loves coming here and doing gardening) and then when when pop comes he can just relax!!. I really think he knows how bad things are and can't deal with it. I can imagine how your boys must be feeling. My heart goes out to you and hope you get good results from scan. You and all the wonderful people on this site have helped me greatly xoxo Chris
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 18:28
#13
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Chris,
So glad you found this site, it has been a life-saver (well maybe a sanity-saver) to me on many occasion.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and the poor state of health he is in, no-one wants to see someone they love suffer in pain.
I hope that his op on Friday to put the stent in is successful and gives him some comfort.
He may be 83, but he is YOUR DAD and it is natural to feel sadness at the thought of losing him and watching him suffer.
Use this site to vent your frustrations, share your feelings and connect with other people who can understand the huge range of emotions that you are experiencing.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself,
kind regards
Mrs Elton.
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 18:41
#14
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Mrs Elton. Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. You are the first person - family/ftiends included to understand what I am going through - and I won;t let myself feel so silly when I cry in future. I think that by crying now I am at least preparing myself for the inevitable although I don't think I will ever be prepared for the end. At least dad is a very positive person and his main concern at the moment is that I am ok!!!! I am so glad I found this website as tonight I can go to bed and sleep knowing that I can share my feelings with people who know what I'm feeling. You sound loke such a great bunch of people. Take care. Chris
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 19:49
#15
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Chris and welcome. Glad you found this site - it has been a sanity saver for me as well . I am sorry about your Dad's poor health and I hope the stent gives him some relief. 83 is not old - my friends' Mum will be 86 next month - she is in total denial about her age - she still thinks she can do all the things she did 20 years ago and gets very worried when she can't!!!!!!!!!!!
My Dad was my best friend and when he died at the tender age of 63 from prostate cancer, I thought I would never be able to stop crying, so I understand your feelings.
Have a good sleep tonight and remember there are lots of us on this site who you can talk to.
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 20:04
#16
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Cats. Yeah my dad ismy best friend also and he also had prostate cancer as well as oesophageous but I'm not sure he is telling me the whole truth. Even though I have 2 brothers (1 is an interstate truck driver and siops in to see dad whenever he can but other one only lives 1hr drive away and never goes to visit) I know dad is worried about how I am going to cope once he has gone but he keeps telling me he has years to go (which I know he hasn't). I ring him every day and I hope that makes him feel better and am going up there in 2 weeks but just wish he would move down with me but my dr says don't push him so I won't. Just so hard when close family can't see my side of things. I will try to sleep tonight and thank god for all you wonderful people. Wish I had found this site ages ago. Take care. Chris
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 20:17
#17
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi All,
My god!!!!! It's all I can find the words to say at the moment.
I have so much to say and I have so many feelings but I just cannot find the words to express them. But everything I have read on this site is EXACTLY how I actually feel or want to say.
I am tripping over myself and my mind is going in overdrive, thinking.... "yes, that's it. That's how I feel. That's what I wanted to say". You guys are all so wonderful. For many years since my husband's diagnosis, I used to sit and ponder about so many things but just cannot make sense of them all because no one would understand and/or listen. I now feel so relieved that I was not in fact crazy.
This site have helped me heal and become stronger. It has helped me smile again even if it's just in the tiniest little bit. I drove past the Gold Coast Hospital this morning (my husband passed away here) and you know what?? For once I did not freak out, scream or cry.
Thank you all. Keep talking/writing and I will keep reading. Good luck to everyone out there affected by cancer. I am always thinking of each and everyone of you and sending lots of hugs and kisses and gentle thoughts of "just called to say Hello and see how you're doing".
Veronica
xx
Tue, 16/02/2010 - 20:58
#18
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi there tkay. I know how you feel. I have only joined this website today but wish I had found it ages ago. I feel so bad that I am complaining about my dad who is still here but hasn't got long to go when so many of you have children/husbands/wives with cancer who are a lot worse off than me and I feel for you all SO much but I know this is a personal thing and I can't see a life for me without my dad in it even though I have 2 great kids and 4 beautiful grandkids. You take care Veronica and your story helped me so much xx Chris
Wed, 17/02/2010 - 17:18
#19
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Chris
Apologies for my tardy reply. I hope you managed to get some sleep after unloading a bit on here. It is a great site and just makes us all feel a little better knowing we arent abnormal in our feelings and thoughts.
Julie xo
Wed, 17/02/2010 - 18:02
#20
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Julie. I did get a bit of sleep last night but this morning I received the package from Cancer Council and included was a relaxation CD. I laid down and played it and fell asleep for 5 hrs - I must have really needed sleep!!!! Yes this site is so amazing and as I have said before I feel somewhat guilty as I have my dad here (who knows for how long) and others have lost loved ones. At least I now have somewhere where I can share my thoughts and get support. Even though my family love me and my dad to bits somehow they think I'm crazy to be grieving while he is still here. A big part of that grief for me is the fact that he is so far away and I can't see him every day. I do phone every night but when I get off the phone I feel so upset. If it feels this bad now what will it be like when he goes!! I can't think about it but I do. And dad is so so positive and I know he is worried about how I will cope. Thanks for listening and take care. Chris xo
Wed, 17/02/2010 - 18:22
#21
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hiya Chris
How wonderful that you managed to get some sleep this arvo. Hopefully you will get some tonight also. great that you got a relaxation pack and that its working for you.
We are all at different stages and had different experiences and treatments, Some are carers and some are patients, however, we all have one thing in common. So i wouldnt be feeling guilty at all.
Julie
Wed, 17/02/2010 - 18:22
#22
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hiya Chris
How wonderful that you managed to get some sleep this arvo. Hopefully you will get some tonight also. great that you got a relaxation pack and that its working for you.
We are all at different stages and had different experiences and treatments, Some are carers and some are patients, however, we all have one thing in common. So i wouldnt be feeling guilty at all.
Julie
Wed, 17/02/2010 - 19:45
#23
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Can anyone tell me if I have the right to contact my dad's dr without his permission to find out his prognosis. His neighbour (who I'm so thankful he has) takes him to appts tells me she has spoken to specialist but I would like to know if I ring Dr does he have to tell me details. Dad has me down as next of kin with hospital but I can't understand when neighbour picks dad up why dr gives her details
Sat, 20/02/2010 - 21:19
#24
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi there. Got a huge scare this morning. Dad went to hospital yesterday to have a stent put in oesophageus to make him more comfortable as hasn't been able to eat/swallow and was sent home last night. Got a call this morning saying he was rushed to hospital as vomiting blood and so distressed he couldn't even call 000. Despite him telling us not to come my daughter and I made the 7hr round trip to see him and I'm so glad I did!!! I have asked him to move down with me and I think he is scared now too. He needs to have someone with him all the time. But he is still worried it will all be too much for me as my health is bad as well. Any suggestions as to how I can convince him to move!!!!
Sat, 20/02/2010 - 21:26
#25
Re: Withdrawing from the world
You could get help with caring for him. Silver chain or the like would probably help you out. I would contact a social worker and see what is available and then your dad might feel ok about being with you and not such a burden, not that is what he will be, prolly just how he is thinking though.
Sat, 20/02/2010 - 21:42
#26
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Jules. I know that I will be able to care for him-although it may be hard. But at least I have my kids down here who he is very close to and especially his great grandkids so I have no worry about support- it is all up to him deciding he wants to make the move. I do understand that it would be so daunting to have to up and move but my family will do all that for him. I just think it's so important he spends whatever time he has left with family who love him so much and not feel a burden. xoChris
Sat, 20/02/2010 - 21:46
#27
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hey Chris
You have put it in a nut shell most beuatifully. Tell him or write
a letter to him just as you have written. Then it will be up to him.
Julie xo
Sat, 20/02/2010 - 22:08
#28
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi Julie. I can't write him a letter as he is legally blind but OMG I am going to tell him when he gets home as he needs to know how I feel. And I can't go through what I went through this morning with those phone calls- I need him to be here with me so I can deal with problems and not neighbours. I may seem ungrateful but I'm not. If his good neighbour hadn't found him this morning he wouldn't be here now and I' SO thankful to her but he needs his family. And as I said before I think he knows that now too. I do know it will be hard but at least I have heaps of support out there and as I have said before dad has always been my rock and source of emotional support and now I want to be there for him. But his problem is he is worried about about what will happen to me if he goes. I'll just have to convince him I will be ok!!!!. Thanks so much for your support xo Chris
Sun, 21/02/2010 - 08:51
#29
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Chris, I can't add anymore to what has been said - Julie has said exactly what I was going to say - and if your Dad needs any further incentive to move - tell him his grand kids and great grand kids want to see more of him as it is far too difficult at the moment being so far away. Also tell him that it will improve your health - you won't need to travel so far and be worried so much because he will be 'here'. Good good good luck - gee Dad's can be troublesome - as I used to tell mine!!! He used to say it was 'parent's revenge'.
Yeah - very funny - NOT!!
Sun, 21/02/2010 - 09:05
#30
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Good luck with it chris .. perhaps your dad will see the sense in it all now.
Julie xo
Fri, 07/05/2010 - 13:09
#31
Re: Withdrawing from the world
Hi MrsElton,
i think that withdrawing is definitely something that we would all do. I personally feel like I have to act differently around people unless it is family, as although it feels like life has stopped for me, it is still going on for everyone around me.. ad sometimes I dont want to be a part of that. If that makes sense?
Also, im naturally an introverted person and i tend to withdraw as people drain me, and being alone and quiet gives me strength. i dont know if this is any help to you
But I hope that it encourages you to be comfortable in your coping
xoxox
Seashell
Fri, 07/05/2010 - 20:26
#32
Re: Withdrawing from the world
I get the withdrawing from the world bit a sibling (Q) was diagnosed with cancer and i only just found out from a family friend that Q was diagnosed with 3 years to live....no one in my family though this relevant information to tell me.
i communicate with Q but i know what Q ise like they were never going to tell me what was actually happening in blunt terms like that. if they tell me it makes it too real for them and they will freak.
it just sucks as its like they expect me to be in their heads and when i don't react appropriately to what is going on its my fault and i'm the baddie... it sucks that everyone worries about the mother and the younger sibling but if your older and go into shock for an extended period of time they think your being ruthless and pile there stuff onto you (like swearing at you at the hospital the first time you go get to see Q after their huge operation and your so worried about them and other families are telling you F this and F that and bagging out your appearance, your clothes, your speach, taking mobile phone calls, coming and going and making noise, when all you want them to do is shut the hell up and stop overwhelming Q and leave you the hell alone so you can make sure they are ok and to make sure to check if Q was ok with all the visitor and noise -- they weren't but were pretending they were ----i know Q admitted it later all the visitors were a huge stress, as soon as Q told me i stopped going to the hospital, not because i didn't want to curl up into the hospital bed with them but because i knew they Q would push themselve and maybe make themselves sick.).
i'm so exhausted from worrying about Q and talking to everyone i know about treatments and funneling all of my spare income, time, energy and thoughts into what other treatments are available that may be able to help and save them.
i know i shouldn't but i can't help myself and it sucks that no one thought that i deserved to know what was happening and what level of heart break was actually happening.
its too much to deal with.
i haven't spoken to my mother or father in weeks and the sibling that aren't sick i only see when i go visit Q.
they are just all so blase about it. Q is still doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing up, no one ever though to help out.. i helped but just for one meal, big whoop, they just pile it on Q.
so i've run away pretending i don't have parents or additional siblings. you can only deal with so much before you crack, i can deal with work, house-work, working out a quick wedding and communication with Q. thats it,
i can't take any additional drama, sad movies or ppl trying to tell me "but your mother would be feeling it and maybe acting in-appropriately, its her daughter" yeah well its my sibling too and i didn't go and yell and scream at ppl during this time of family crisis.
************************
i just needed somewhere to say, i was supposed to be planning my lovely family wedding and working out when to have a baby,,
instead my sibling has been diagnosed with cancer, they may die soon and i can't even think of the possibility that they will die so young or before me. i'd rather pretend its not happening.
its so sad i can't think about it or i start crying and can't stop. i'm not allowed to cry in my own house, even about a sad movie, or i cry for days, can't get out of bed, go to work or function.
screw working on getting a man to mars, lets work on stopping time for a minute so we can get some peace.
Hiya MrsElton
I withdraw also when things get a bit tough. I just regroup and re energise to get back into whatever is happening at the time. Yes, for me its survival mechanism. I find the beach very therapeutic when i am feeling like withdrawing.
take care
Julie