Some people not wanting to develop a friendship with a cancer survivor

Hi DeeJay,

Fortunately this has been a rare experience for me, though a few people I thought were friends did "lose touch" very early into my diagnosis.

I ran into someone (about 7 years post treatment) who I'd worked with whilst I was going through the treatment, who just looked stunned and said "OH! you're alive" which was followed by a very awkward silence.. fortunately I was getting out of the lift and they were getting into it.

It really brought it home to me, that despite my belief I would live, others still viewed the "Big C" as something that can't be beaten.

I'm still surviving 9 years on - and my GP & Oncologist are confident I've beaten it.

The memories fade, but there are still awkward silences from some when I mention I'm a cancer survivor, but I still tell people, because I know it has given others with the diagnosis or those watching a loved one go through it, some hope that it can be beaten.

Hi deejjay,

Yes, I have definitely experienced this. I tend to not mention to the new friends I have made - the one I want to keep that is; I don't want to risk more losses from my life so I don't mention it.

I have told some people, after knowing them a while, and they completely change around be, distancing themself, it's very, very painful to watch and experience. I have also experienced bulling from work place associates, once they know.

These days I make a point of not telling anyone, which means, I feel like I am living a lie and cannot have real open relationships. Some people may pick up on this "lying", or that I am different, which distances them from me anyway. It's a no win really.

@ SamR, I got in touch too with someone on facebook from a few years ago, her reaction was - "oh, I thought you'd be dead by now". Seems like a non-loaded statement for most probably but, the sentiment was some how excruciating for me. Not sure why this was so, I'm still exploring that one in my mind.

You not alone dejjay (or anyone here) xx

Hi Mignon,

Some people just want to cut to the chase, they say - "so, are you going to die". They just ask this straight out. I got the feeling that I was more of a spectacle; my life a spectator's sport. There was no relating going on at all, people distancing them selves emotionally, and I was on show. As it is always said - just when we need people the most too.

I understand that they don't know what to do or say, i get that but, I cannot help but perceive that it stems back to the values we have constructed as a society, eg, so much on materialism, about survival and sort of "running" and winning the race, at the expense of taking time to consider our lives, our relationships, and our journey, and share our experiences.

I bet there's a heap of things you want to say and share about your experience still, not to mention receive genuine emotional support for such an extreme situation as well.

It's not over, it never really is I don't think (although it get's easier), this stuff effects a person for the rest of their lives as it changes one's whole perceptions on what life is - maybe it undoes the programing that we have been in about the material race? Maybe that's part of the trauma? We change, and we are never the same. I call it "Eyes Wide Open".

A few months ago someone asked to be my friend and I accepted. This person had not posted so I messaged her/him to tell me something about herself/himself,twice. After no reply I unfriended that person. I was hesitant but do not want a pretend friendship with anyone . If that person still uses this and communicates I will also but friendships must be two-sided.
Why would someone ask to be my friend and not talk or ever post?

Hi all,

I really would like to rant if that's ok...

Since my cancer, I have struggled no end with my life. I have watched my peers proceed and succeed in their careers and social experiences and relationships. Many of them have bought their houses and are having families. While watching from the outside, I've mainly put on a brave face, rarely talked about my illness or, more relevantly, the emotional scars of watching my life disintegrate.

Two years ago I fell in love and seemed like all was going to get on track, then the relationship degenerated to emotional and mental abuse, and then violence (not from me). I am now again in a situation where I am on the verge of homelessness and I am shattered mentally and emotionally from the cycle of instability and isolation.

Stemming from the relationship has been a loss of long term friends due to horrible lies and abuse from my relationship. I have just off the phone to one friend who has basically told me that, she feels powerless to help, and that honestly, she finds me and my life a "downer". She says that she hates that I am in this situation and wishes she could do something but knows that she cannot. She said also that I am just not exciting to be with anymore and it's pushing her away.

I have known this woman for 15 years, never ever once discussed with her the gory details of my illness, or the pain and grief that have gone with it, probably because I was afraid of exactly this. She says that she finds that she just doesn't want to catch up with me these days as she finds my life too heavy. I say, well, imagine how it is for me(!). I think to myself, it's not like I want to be here; that I want to go to hospital and be poked and prodded several times a year.

I say, well, it seems like you are seeking to catch up with me to get something from me and if it's not 'exciting' for you, well I'm sorry. I added that, it wasn't very 'exciting' for me to catch up with a friend recently for coffee (who died last weekend), but I did it for her, I'm not sure what this friendship is based on. My life isn't always rosy and exciting I'm sorry, as a consequence of what I've been through, life sometimes is a bit heavy.

I am confused and despairing. I don't know what to do anymore, it seems I am only able to have friendships if I hide the majority of my life and who I am away from people. I just don't feel that I can, or want to do that anymore. It seems people that are sick or troubled need to be hidden from society. Though, I don't see much value in their lives either - shopping, talking of things that are - in the broad scheme of things - inconsequential and transient.

I don't know where I belong anymore. It's not as though I whinge about my illness 24/7, I am just going through a very hard patch at the moment from grief and reoccurring trauma. It serves only to re-traumatise me by pushing me away. I've even had that it's my fault, and that I am a victim, and a broken record. Whereas, it is just not the case.

My head just spins and spins.

Hi Jules,

funny, was just laughing with a friend on the phone now about how these days it is an often occurrence that, when asked how you are and you do not reply in the utmost positive, the next question inevitably is: maybe you should see a counselor or go on anti depressants.

As if I haven't seen a gazillion counselors over my life. There is no help for homelessness either, unless of course I want to have all my stuff placed in storage, and live in a temporary shelter. And if I don't want to do that, then I am considered just not desperate enough. There is no help as far as I have learned and many times over in fact. As I told red kite recently: where does all the "raising money for cancer" go if not to the people who need it? It's a farce and a rort.

Why can we not simply discuss the state of a situation, explore empathetic exchanges, ideas for solutions, and possibly too have a laugh along the way, without being swiftly hot-potatoed to some impersonal conveyor-belt, government-processed nonsense.

What about community?

Seriously, if one more person suggests counseling to me, and within that the suggestion the implication that I may not have thought about it, I'm just gonna... well.. I'm just gonna... well I'm.. well, I'll probably just turn away from them politely

Ps, wanted to add, I sent an email to lance Armstrong recently requesting help. His people told me to get counseling.

It is their loss. Everyone will experience cancer in some form in their family unless they are a rarity. Someday they'll be wishing they had been your friend even for the experience of how the hell do you do it.
I have lost friends, made new friends and those that are important stay in touch and we reciprocate contact.
Others i have felt like I have had to work and work at keeping the relationship alive and quite frankly that takes too much energy.
There are good people that deserve your time. Don't waste your time with the others.

Yep, there are certain people that just don't want to deal with someone and loss or sadness. I'm not sure if it is because they don't know what to say but I always tell those that have kept in touch that I'd sooner you be talking then not saying anything at all.

The worst thing that drives me mad is when people duck out of the way. I went to work after surgery and one of my colleagues couldn't have been more obvious ducking into another room so she wouldn't have to talk to me. I wanted to shout down the hall, "I'm not contagious!!!"

I also hear you on the 'night out' thing. People tell me that's what I need. Ha! A night out, sure, can't drink because it makes me feel nauseous. I feel like people are staring at me because I live in a small town and am not back to work yet. The noise, it all clutters my brain.

I find my most comforting outting is to mass or just to the church to light some candles and sit in silence and pray. There are people at church that always seem so welcome my conversation too. Also I do have a couple very very very special friends that make up for those lost.

Are you involved in a church?

I would like to be your friend and listen to your sadness. I might not know what to say but I'll always listen.

Hi All,

I think I have been relatively lucky through my cancer journey, I can't say I have been surprised by any of my friends reactions because they have proven themselves before (good and bad). I knew which ones would go quiet on me - they are the ones that enjoyed me when I was out having fun. The ones that stuck by my side were the ones who had a real interest in me. This is probably because a few years ago I split with my fiance, it was ugly and drawn out and would have been completely boring for anyone who had to listen to me cry and complain about it. The ones that were still around after that were the ones I knew would be with me for the whole journey.
I am single and have been on online dating sites just to chat to people during my recovery. There are many people that will just delete you from their contacts as soon as they find out that you have been sick. I am used to that know, but I guess it still hurts.
Good Luck to everyone on here, I wish you find great friends because I think that is so important.