severely traumatised and noone understands...
first of all, for those who dont know, my grandfather passed away from GBM on 30/5/12.
Everyones reactions are really getting to me. Its like they're all assuming that I feel a certain way, and even when I try to tell them how I really feel they ignore it completely and continue on with their words of reassuarance that they think I need, as if i've said nothing, or as if they know how I feel better than I do.
I'm not messed up because my grandfather is dead. I've never had a problem accepting the concept of death, and he had a long life full of love that any person would be satisfied with. Had he survived any longer, he would have had no quality of life at all. Of course its sad, its terrible and I miss him like crazy, but im coping ok and gradually accepting it.
What i cannot accept is the fourtnight between his craniotomy and death... Thats whats getting to me. I cant properly explain it to anyone who hasnt experienced it. He was like something out of a nightmare, or a horror movie, but worse...because it was real, and someone I love. His facial expression...he looked like he was being tortured from the inside out, trapped facing the unknown horrors of his own mind, unable to comunicate and paralysed down one side. This man was once our strong, proud gentleman just a few weeks prior.
No matter how much detail i go into...noone seems to realise just how horrific it was for me. Of course they dont understand what its like, that was expected, but they cant even comprehend that things that terrible exist. They only see the tip of the iceberg...
I tell everyone who asks the truth about how I'm feeling. But they just dont seem to get it. How else am I supposed to get the message across? IM ALL SORTS OF MESSED UP. Im having nightmares, massive panic attacks, and his face in that hospital bed WILL HAUNT ME UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! The horrible moans, the tap, tap, tap against the bed when he had to be restrained, and the heartbreaking look in his eyes that silently screamed GET ME OUT OF HERE! I need support but all im getting is the usual crap 'hell always watch over you' and 'hes better off, at least hes not suffering anymore', advice i dont need! THIS is whats bothering me THIS is what i need support with THIS is what i need someone to talk to about BUT NOONE SEEMS TO WANT TO HEAR IT AND ALL THINK THEY KNOW BETTER ABOUT THE WAY I FEEL AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH!!