Need to know Im not alone

dear monique i felt i was losing my husband twice but at the end we were able to tell the true feelings i couldnt wait to be alone in the car or my garden or at the computer talkin to sharon 55 or totocol to scream and cry when we finally admitted how scared we both were and how lonely we felt it was better but my husband passed away 4 days after our real talk so dont wait even if your hubby dont want to listen tell him you love him and deal with the illness 1 day at the time take care Clo

Hi Monique,We are here to listen so just feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. I believe there is not a right or wrong way to feel or something to do during these situations. In my personal experience, I tend to be very emotional but what I feel it is important is to remind our loved one how much we care for him/her. I am sending you all my best wishes.

HI - I have only just joined this site today. I know exactly how you are feeling, and the only advice I can give you is to give everything you can to your husband every day, and also to look after yourself. I lost my husband on 24 January to secondary head and neck cancer at age 43. We also have young children (the eldest was 6 four days after my husband passed and the other is 4). We did everything that we could the first time round - very invasive surgery and radiation, and thought we had it beat! He had palliative chemo this time when there were no other options. We were given a 7 - 10 month diagnosis, but unfortunately he contracted pneumonia, so time was very limited, and we had only a few weeks. I can only tell you that the second diagnosis was a shock, but also a very "romantic" time. We made time to tell each other what we loved about each other, and talked about our hopes and dreams. We had just under 9 years together, and tried to make plans for the next 50 years to give us hope. We went to sleep holding hands every night, even in hospital. I also understand your frustration. My husband would often whinge that he wanted to teach his boys how to shave (and teach them other things as well). We have the technology (video camera etc), but he never got around to filming anything, or writing them any notes, or expressing his feelings in any other way. At the time I found it incredibly frustrating, and now am very disappointed. He spent the best of his last weeks in front of the television, watching cooking shows on foxtel, mostly because he could no longer eat. (and I can't blame him at all for that). He was very sensitive to noise because of the cancer, which was particularly difficult for our boys, and they now remember him as being cranky all the time, and still apologize to me if they make the slightest sound. He also wanted me to sit beside him on the lounge day and night watching mindless tv with him. I didn't do it, and can't decide if it was the right or wrong decision not to. There are many things to do in a day when you are a wife AND mother. I am now (6 weeks later) just hitting the bad times. Everyone has been commenting on "how well I look" or "how well I'm doing", but this is the hardest part of the day. The time when the kids are asleep and there is no other distraction. I am happy that we made the time to discuss our future. It made so many things so much easier. I planned my husbands funeral according to his preferences, and know where he wants to rest. i know how much he really loved me. I had some time to prepare my children. I had some time to prepare myself. Take the time to be with your husband. Don't feel guilty about being angry or annoyed or any other emotion. You need to do the best for YOURSELF, and your husband, and your family. People keep reminding me (unsolicited of course) that I am the only thing holding this family together. It is a huge responsibility, and one that I didn't really want, but you will find the strength in yourself that I have also found. Enough of my rambling. I wish you a peaceful heart and a happy spirit!~ Karent

Dear Michelle, clo and Karent

I lost my husband(36yrs) to cancer 6 weeks ago.
We have been together for 15 years and have 3 children-10, 8 and 7 years old.
He was diagnosed last year, he was healthy, strong and very active. So we were extremely shocked when he was diagnosed with this devastating disease.
I am no expert, but what I do know is that there is no wrong or right behaviour, feelings or thoughts.
Everyone's experience differs greatly.
My husband and I united in strong defence when he was diagnosed. We grew so close, we'd lay together in the hospital bed during chemo, we looked forward to the opportunity to spend 6 hours together talking, reading, listning to music,laughing etc. We were inseperable.
However, he did not prepare anything for the children or I before he died. Not even the will! I had to urge him to organise that. He refused to come shopping with me to buy the kids some keepsake gifts.
He didn't organise anything! And he was aware that I'd be facing eviction by his family once he had passed.
But, I can't be angry. I know he absoloutely loved us.
I think that he felt that prepartion meant giving up.And he was so determined to live. He loved life like no one I know.
Our lives would've been less stressful if he'd taken action on a few issues, if he'd made some preparations...but he didn't and thats ok.
This is how HE handled HIS disease and HIS mortality.

I miss him so deeply I find it hard to breathe. I don't know who I am without him, but i do know it will get better.

Keep strong friends: You're not alone.

Hi Monique
Since its been some time since your post, I hope things have settled down a little for you. I know exactly what you mean.
My husband had a tumour in 2001 which proved to be a grade 3 glioma. He was told he would have 5 years. He went 7.5 years with no recurrence at all. In fact his scan last December (he had an MRI) was "clean".
In Feb this year he had a massize seizure at work and a Ct scan and MRI later we were told that he had not one but 2 tumours in his brain. In March he had a biopsy and as much as they could see of the tumours were removed. We were then told that the tumors had gone up a stage and he now has GBM...the most aggressive form of brain tumour. I was so positive the first time around that when I started falling apart this time around I could not understand it.
I found myself crying in the car and in the shower as I contemplated life without my soulmate. I am 35 and we have 2 beautiful girls aged 9 and 3.
I eventually went to see my GP who referred me to a counsellor and after 3 months of sessions with her...I am now coping better with our situation. There is no normal way to react.
There are so many ups and downs in this journey it can be mind boggling at times. My hubby's personality has changed and he is more irritable and at times it is hard to be patient.
So..dont worry there is no right emotion.
Try to take care of yourself while you cater for his and your daughter's needs.

Regards
Sangeeta
To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten. ---author unknown