HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Hi Amanda, i dont really know what to say but i usually only see my parents once a week and they only live 5 mins from me,and all my dad does is yell at my kids to shutup, so im glad i dont see him that much and my mum doesnt spend any time with my kids when she is here. My inlaws are the same as your story, i havent seen my MIL for nearly 18mths as she hates me for apparently making her son {my hubby} spend all of his time caring for me as ive been sick for a while, my kids dont call either sets grandparents. How do you forgive and Forget and move on ? That is one thing i would like to know, all my friends have great mother in laws and mine just sux and sometimes i get jealous but im just trying to forget all about her. Does anyone else have this problem?

Hi Amanda, i am also glad, now i dont feel so alone, I kinda had a laugh to myself when you wrote that its our parents and inlaws that miss out. My brother got married approx 2.5 weeks ago and my mum actually nursed my 2.5year old bubba to sleep, she then looked at me and said, gosh i cant believe hes gotten so big. When he was born youd think every1 wanted a cuddle? How wrong was i? no-one wanted a cuddle, my eldest child {Joshua} is 13 years old next month and all my parents say to me is "oh dont they grow up so fast" and "oh weve missed out on so much" but to me and as harsh as it may sound i dont think that they qualify for grandparent status. My kids actually asked me when i got diaganosed with cancer if they could hire grandparents somewhere as their friends grandparents are great and they think theirs sux. When i have my next op in sept my father was going to be my carer but my kids have all said they dont want him here at their home, they will do all the chores that i cant do, Gosh my kids are great!!!!! I love them soooooooooo much!!!!!

Amanda and Sham I cannot imagine how much worse the whole situation must be for you. When I was diagnosed my parents (in their 8o's) were the most badly affected. My problem was with, my then 18 year old son, who just didn't want to have anything to do with the problem.Maybe his way of dealing with problems in general - don't know. During treatment, my parents would spend the last 2 hours in the clinic with me and then take me for lunch before I felt too ill to eat.

I feel very privileged to have my family and humbled by your stories and feel that in this great karmic universe it will come to pass that you and your children will be stronger and have wonderful resilient and loving children. As for your families, they are the ones missing out on knowing amazing people.

Samex

It just dawned on me as I scrolled through our comments how young we all are. Is cancer becoming more common in younger people, or is that a new topic? LLx

Dear Amanda,
I so related to your original post about forgiveness. Cancer has this way of bringing out the best and worst in people. Its also a time when our sensitivity is heightened, so we notice the things people do and dont do much more.
Forgiveness is key to the healing process, but clearly you know this. Acknowledging that there is a forgivenes which needs to occur is the first step. And you have done that. Give yourself some credit and also a break. When we have been betrayed deeply and let down like you have by someone we are supposed to be loved by and love, it can be more like a process to forgive, and not the immediate unburdening event we wish it would be. It may take time.
I suggest you talk yourself through it every time the thoughts come to your mind. We all run the mind dvd of the things which have hurt us, events we wish could have been different, things people said and did to us which hurt us. We re-live these over and over like playing a movie. Part of forgiving is letting these thoughts go - breaking the circle they run in. They go round and round until we let them go. We can acknowledge the occurence and the feelings that go with it, and even allow ourselves to feel that hurt, cry, be indignant and angry. But then its beneficial to allow the next stage to come, which is grief.
You will maybe need to grieve this relationship Amanda, because its like a little death has occured for you. This mother-daughter realtionship you both could have shared and which could have been drawn upon in your time of need (cancer) has been shown to be not everything you rightly hoped it would be and could be. Your expectation that your mum would support you the way you hoped she would is not unrealistic in the respect that its natural you would expect her to be supportive and caring. But in light of how she has behaved instead, its clear you will in future have to adjust your expectations. Thats sad for you both, especially you because its you feeling this loss. Its been unfair, but it is how it is. Acceptance is the first step to forgiveness. If you can accept that your mum did not set out to hurt you or do you wrong, that she merely did what she did for whatever reason, then you may be able to se her in a new light - with compassion. That might be an appropriate way to see someone who had a role to fulfil but missed out on their opportunity to shine? She had a great opportunity to shine, and be a part of something wonderful between you both. But she could not participate. I encourage you to move towards a more compassionate view of your mum. Clearly, she hasnt an understanding of what motherhood requires for a crisis such as you had. See her more as a fellow human being at these moments, and not just as your mum. This may help you see her in adifferent light.
Its also OK for you to adjust your "boundaries". Forgiveness is one thing - its possible for you to do this - but please don;t think that you must put yourself in a position to be let down again. Trust is precious and must be earned. Perhaps you resist forgiving because you think you will have to place yourself in a vulnerable position with her again, knowing you'll be let down. You may wish to move up in your own world and be a bit of a "mum" to yourself. take on some of that nurturing yourself - you know you'll always be kind and loving toward you! And make sure you do. Its important to realise that as an adult you dont have to give your trust out arbitrarily. This doesnt mean being uncivil or distant. Its just means managing your boundaries, and making sure you are in control of where you begin and others end.
Every time that mind-movie comes into your head Amanda, remind yourself that your mum is just a human being with limitations, that she did the best she could at the time, that the only person you can change is you and that you certainly cant change the past. You dont have to be that vulnerable again, and the greatest gift you can give yourself is to let your mum off the hook. She is never going to be able to make up for what happened. Nothing she could do, even if she wanted to, would take away the past.
Sometimes we resist forgiving because we feel its a huge blessing we are giving for free to someone who has done nothing to deserve it, and which they may never acknowledge or understand. Forgiving your mum is not a gift you are giving the undeserving. Its a gift you are giving yourself. Its a gift of peace, joy, acceptance and love. Its a present not to her - but to YOU! I hope this helps to make it easier for you.
Praying for you, hope you continue in good health and well-being!
Blessings,
Jo

Hi
I'm also fascinated by the link bw cancer and emotional trauma. My parents divorced at 10. I stopped seeing my father at 16 and haven't seen him since (I'm 37). He was a very abusive. I had 10 years of counseling after a nervous break down at 21. My step father is a wonderful man and unfortunately has bipolar disorder and is often suicidal. This causes a huge emotional strain on my family and I am often the peace maker and one to drop everything when my mum and dad are doing it tough. I guess you can say life is not always easy. So at 36 my tumour appeared.
When I was getting my stitches and staples out weeks after surgery a nurse asked me what my life was like prior to getting cancer. She said it was astounding how many patients had trauma or loss bf cancer. You have to wonder don't you?
so if this is the case, how do we all learn to let go?

Again, I thought I'd comment even though I'm not a cancer survivor but have had a similar experience.

Some may have read that in 2006, I had a major motorcycle accident in which I certainly could have died. After my accident, my mum flew from Perth (hates flying too) within a day to be by my side in hospital. My dad on the other hand, not a word. My parents are divorced and my dad was quite abusive when I was younger so I didn't hold high expectations for him. But he didn't fly over, he didn't call (he did call my mother to ask how my cats were o_O), didn't send flowers. Nothing. While in therapy not long after, I completely broke down, absolutely devastated at my dads lack of giving a shit. It seemed he didn't care whether I lived or died and I couldn't comprehend how a parent could be like that.

My mum was just amazing, caring for me when I couldn't even move and then sensing my growing independence, flew back to Perth and continued to support me from afar. I adore my mum for being there for me when I needed her and for being my mum.

I, too, wondered how could I ever forgive my father. My therapist asked me why I felt that I needed to? Why did I have to forgive him? Why could I not just accept that that is who he is? He has always been a narcissistic selfish bastard so why would he change now? She helped me understand that we feel disappointment because someone hasn't lived up to our expectations of what they should do, instead of accepting them for who they are based on previous behaviour. Once I accepted that he would never change, my emotional reaction disappeared. And I felt I didn't feel pressured to forgive him but just accept what is and with acceptance came forgiveness because they anger was gone. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, it just means accepting something you cannot change.
I choose what relationship I have with my dad, not the other way around. It's all on my terms now and its because I have forgiven myself.

On another note, I thoroughly believe in the trauma causing cancer. My husband Rob endured a tumultuous 5 year relationship which caused him to bottle so much anger and hurt for so long, because he didn't want to leave his son. Once he left and he found happiness with me, he was able to release a lot of that bottled up emotion and be who he wanted to be. A year and a half after we got together, his cancer reared its head and I can only wonder if all that anger, hurt and pain bottled has manifested itself in his cancer.

I look forward to the book Loralee

Jo