Had cancer, got no friends.
Wed, 09/11/2011 - 21:09
#52
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Heya,
just wanted to bump this topic and see how everyone was going.
sarah
Sat, 29/01/2011 - 14:19
#53
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
But, having said that - how do you take things in your own hands when you cannot just do the basic things, like, just concentrate on a tv program, feed yourself etc, because you are a fearful, worrying nervous wreck.
It's really tough.
Fri, 29/04/2011 - 17:43
#54
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Wow guys,,,,I started this in 2009,can't believe we're still going!!
I am a survivor..5.5yrs,but I still worry it might come back!!
My family don't understand..I had 9hr surgery for stge3 pancreatic cancer,,but I'm sure(and it has been confirmed)that everyone thinks it was like having a mole cut off.Maybe we should vent more when we're diagnosed instead of bottling it up so as not to upset family and friends
Sat, 29/01/2011 - 17:01
#55
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi , I had a rather strange experience last night I went to the local pub where my friends hang out , well I have not seen some of them before my treatment , so while having drinks a friend came over as he noticed my neck ( still rather swollen from neck dissection ) and he wanted to know what had happened, when I explained about the cancers he just wanted to know how my partner was handling it , rather than if I was all right or what the outcome will be .....
I know it's difficult on people but I thought the whole thing really weird !!!
Sat, 29/01/2011 - 18:57
#56
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hey Rodney,
My favourite line was from my MIL who said I was just lucky my husband is good enough to stick around 
our first son was only a few months old at the time. People are a**holes well that’s my theory…LOL!
Hi Sarah,
There really is not a lot of help out there especially for young adults with cancer, I found the online chat on this website was great. We were all a little more honest with each other than we would have been in person and really supportive of one another.
The good news is the first step is taking it into your own hands, the situation doesn’t change what changes is the way you feel about it. Lets face it that is the most important thing of all; stress and loneliness tend to make our road to recovery take longer.
First of all I would like to say how great it is that you have found this thread, while it gives only a little support and venting I think it makes all the difference. My husband wrote this a few years ago and we were really struggling to keep our heads above water. We took a lot of steps to make ourselves feel better about the situation.
I can’t undo my family disowning me, or the fact that we moved towns and had no one to rely on. I won’t lie I have not forgotten what a hindrance it was to my recovery and my husbands recovery. What has changed though is our view of the importance of these people who in our hours of need showed their true colours.
We have learned that what happened is not our fault and that their own self grasping ignorance is responsible for their actions, at the end of the day we reap what we sew and for their sake I hope they start sewing better seeds or they are in real trouble.
My husband and I are about to have our 3rd child in about 6 weeks and our lives are full of love and laughter (and sibling rivalry), we have come a long way and in some ways its all thanks to others ignorance. We had to fight hard to get to where we are, but the veil is off we will never view the world through self grasping eyes again.
You are all amazing; you have faced mortality while others hinder you. This takes true strength and determination, all I can say is it does get easier and soon these people will be mere memories of past tense.
Amanda XX
Fri, 25/03/2011 - 21:31
#57
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi Everyone,
I also fround certain people couldn't handle phoning me or getting together with me. I look at it this way.. the people who stuck by me through the difficult times remain very special to me. I was the person who went through the cancer treatment and if they don't have the guts to talk to someone who needs support, my view of their friendship is changed. I actually phoned these people to say I made it through and they often appologised for not phoning. They thought they could avoid me and not be involved but I made it clear that I held no ill feelings as I choose not to have negative thoughts although the friendships has changed forever.
Mon, 28/03/2011 - 08:00
#58
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
The first time I had cancer (just had recent relapse) my daughter was in Kindergarten. Some of the other mums treated me like a leper. I would walk in to pick up my daughter and smile nicely and say hello. But they couldnt even look at me and if I sat down next to them they would immediately get up and move away.
There was only a few mums and one dad who treated me normally and would ask how I was going.
Mon, 28/03/2011 - 18:44
#59
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi Bindi, It is very sad that people's mortality is questioned when they meet someone with cancer. In actual fact it is their problem not ours. We have had enough to deal with. All they had to do was smile, say hello or give some words of encouragement What it does is shows you which people,friends,relatives have the strength of character to stand by you.
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 14:13
#60
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi guys,
Um I don't even know where to start on this. First I've bn brought to tears reading Steve's and everyone's post's, our lives have bn affected so similar and I thought I was alone on this. My partner left me, my friends bar 1 talk to me. And cause I've had massive facial re con's society now reject me too. plz forgive me if Im rushing this or not bn clear, Ive never had the chance to talk to anyone else in this situation. and I think I'll leave it here and have a breather, I'm so emotional right now.
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 14:14
#61
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi guys,
Um I don't even know where to start on this. First I've bn brought to tears reading Steve's and everyone's post's, our lives have bn affected so similar and I thought I was alone on this. My partner left me, my friends bar 1 talk to me. And cause I've had massive facial re con's society now reject me too. plz forgive me if Im rushing this or not bn clear, Ive never had the chance to talk to anyone else in this situation. and I think I'll leave it here and have a breather, I'm so emotional right now.
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 15:35
#62
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi TJ,
Yep society can handle normal people but when you look different or talk differently it can be bloody hard.
After a number of surgeries I ended up looking lots different to what I was and had difficulty talking, eating, etc, etc. Now I walk down the street and you can see people looking at you. People can be impatient as well when you are trying to say something. They don't like taking the time to listen
It has certainly made me more aware of other people with disabilities and more compassionate.
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 20:02
#63
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
RachelC – I to have experienced the whole pointless apology after lack of support from both family and friends. Sadly it feels hollow and your right those relationships change forever.
Bindy – OMG! I can’t believe the mothers at school were so insensitive, they of all people should know how precious our human life is. As a school mum of a kindy kid I always reach out to those who are unwell or in need. You are an amazing woman XX
TJ – I just want to give you a big hug, I can see from your picture that you have a son/daughter I know my first son kept me going when I was sick they are incredibly intuitive.
In really don’t know what to say your partner does not deserve you it seems you are way to good for him/her. As for the good time friends its amazing how much we don’t notice them until we are in need, I realise how superficial my relationships must have been. No one called, no one wanted to know or asked how I was going and worst of all I was totally ignored. That 1 friend who speaks to you is a true friend which is great, you know who they are now.
It has taken me 5 years to rebuild relationships by that I mean start new friendships and re-kindle a few old ones, I have never bothered with those that let me down when I was sick except a few family members. But those relationships will never be the same, what is done can never be undone I know who they truly are now so everything is on the surface if you know what I mean.
This is a great place to talk to other survivors, a great place for healing. There is a wonderful online support group it helped me so much when I was in need, you should check it out XX
CarlC – it is amazing how much we take things like eating and talking for granted, how incredibly rude people can be. We live in a face paced anxiety filled society and everything needs to be now.
Thankyou for posting this it has reminded me how important it is to be aware of others, I think we sometimes forget especially as time goes on. Those of us who have very little Physical scars forget about those who do, thankyou again XX
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 20:20
#64
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
@ CarlC & AmandaC >> Thank you so much, it's hard to put into words how you guys have made me feel. Its a strange feeling for me to have ppl not sympathize, but show empathy to my situation hey. Atm Im just cooking dinner for my kids, I rushed on line just so I can answer u guys (got notification on my phn). I'll be right back once there li'l one's are in bed.
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 21:04
#65
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
TJ - just noticed your a single father of 3, you have your hands full. We have just had our 3rd bubba despite being toold by fertility specialist we could not have kids naturally after my husbands cancer (my husband is SteveC). Its a juggle and a half, how incredibly lucky they are to have a dad that adores them and how lucky you are to have your 3 kids keeping you strong XX
Mon, 11/04/2011 - 21:05
#66
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
TJ - just noticed your a single father of 3, you have your hands full. We have just had our 3rd bubba despite being toold by fertility specialist we could not have kids naturally after my husbands cancer (my husband is SteveC). Its a juggle and a half, how incredibly lucky they are to have a dad that adores them and how lucky you are to have your 3 kids keeping you strong XX
Tue, 12/04/2011 - 08:24
#67
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi all,
I've been watching and listening and I'm so deeply touched by the stories of the heartbreak that has comes with the illness (as if the illness isn't enough). I went through the same, and saying it was hard just doesn't express it - it's confusing, shocking and more. How's this for a break up line: "It's got nothing to do with the cancer, it's just that we don't have anything in common anymore, (now that you spending so much time at hospital)". I haven't had that exactly, but it encapsulates for me, the way people can twist their words, almost thinking that you not human enough anymore to see through them. I feel like I got that kind of thing a lot, it's really insulting.
TJ, your tentativeness to post about this is noticed and understood and I just want to say, don't feel like you have to hold back, we all understand here. I understand when you just cannot find the right words to say what you have experienced, and you even wonder if it's better just to keep it locked away because it hurts so very much, and anyway, you are busy tagging along trying to keep up with wherever life wants to take you next. In my experience, it has been better to let it out, explore it, and discover along the way that you are not alone in the experience, and that unfortunately, it just comes with the territory of the illness.
I don't think there's a lot more I can add to AmandaC, CarlC and everyone, I back everything that they have said.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I hope this site can give you some strength. Our heart goes out to you xx
Tue, 12/04/2011 - 09:11
#68
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
O.m.g,
it takes my breath away, seeing how u all know how I feel. Kind of reminds me of my rugby league days' when U know ur team mate knows exactly how ur feeling, what ur thinking and ur next move. Yea I do feel like I need to hold back Sarah, the ppl in my life ether make me feel weak and pathetic. or the make out like what they've done to me is justifiable yea. So Im going to pass the ball now.......... My partner told me she was going to get me some dvd's but instead hooked up with her current b.f. (he's an immature ignorant s.o.b to boot). She runs me down at every turn, only cause she has to justify her actions (Mr s.o.b is her 4th indiscretion) and she sees me doing well with the kids. My Dad was never there for me ether, the police actually had to track him down. I was terminal, given less then a week to live at that time. So I wanted to say my goodbye's to my father, only to get told Im not worth the money n time (I had even offered to pay his expenses). My life was all about having fun and working hard before I got sick, so all my work mates disappeared. I even see my surf bud's out back wen Im out for a surf, but they just ignore me. Its so incredibly hard for me to look this skinny and ugly, and like CarlC said "It has certainly made me more aware of other people with disabilities and more compassionate." I truly can see the beauty in even the most disfigured person now, and I do, I constantly find strength everyday from other's like me. I just wish the rest of the world would to............ But now Im finding this massive amount of strength off you guy's, I feel like Im going to start my day with a whole new prospective. Thank you, I really mean that.
Tue, 12/04/2011 - 19:55
#69
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
TJ – My husband would be really happy to know this thread is still going strong and helping people connect with those who have been through the same thing. When he wrote this we were in the thick of our darkest days and to know we were not alone was such an amazing feeling.
I also did the online support group and met (online chat) some amazing people, we shared our darkest fears, our good days and bad and I really believe it was pivotal in my healing process. Everyone always assumes our healing is the physical only the emotional stuff takes so much longer. I am lucky my scar is now very faint although people still ask what happened to my neck occasionally, which is incredibly rude but hey I have learned most peoples manners are not what they should be. My husband however has a scar from his chest all the way down to his pelvis and I know he never wants to be without his shirt. So I can only imagine how hard it is for you to bare your scars so openly and people never stop to think about how or why you may have these scars XX
As for your ex partner she is immature also she did not just leave you but also her children, really doesn’t say much for her state of mind. She only runs you down to feel better as you say, there is no merit to her actions. I believe in karma she is digging a deep hole there. I always say the best revenge is being the best we can be, you are doing that. Your kids are so lucky to have you .
Mum really spent her time ignoring that I existed. I had just had my first baby at the time so I felt really sad that no one was paying attention to our son as well. It really does bring out the best and worst in people, I am glad I know now though because I am now filling my life with real relationships. By that I mean I am not interested in good time friends, I do have some but they remain acquaintances and those I share myself with are those who will be there no matter what.
It takes years for our bodies to recover from treatment, I remember 2 years post RAI I woke up and my hair was finally thickening up. It had gotten so thin and scraggly and there was nothing I could do. Sadly with my type of cancer I put on about 20kgs…with that comes some serious self image issues as well.
I want to tell you that we do get back to normal, our scars do fade and we are left with the incredible human beings that we have become. We are strong, caring, courageous and best of all we have been blessed with the gift of living for today knowing full well every minute counts. Hope you had a better day today, it is only uphill from here for you XX
Wed, 13/04/2011 - 12:03
#70
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi guy's n gal,s,
I left a post here last night thats disappeared, I dont think it loaded. Anyways I just wanted to let you know, that Im seeing life in a whole new light.
I posted yesterday that SteveC should be proud of his scar's, rip his shirt off and strut his stuff! To me there war scar's, something u should be proud of too AmandaC (we fought the most righteous battle). Wat steveC has started here with his post is a selfless act, he opened up and bared his soul, now we're all doing the same.
The weight that's been lifted off my shoulder's is just unfathomable believe me. Just the fact I know I can log on here, I wake up milling ...('',)... I've put a lot of thought into the advice I've been given, its help me sort out so much stuff in my head in the last couple of days. I cant help feeling angry at the stuff that's been said to me by the people I once loved.
I thought I'd let you guys know something, so u can understand my thinking.
When I was 11, my mother my brother's and myself went Christmas shopping. Because we had no car, we where walking to the bus stop. A fatigued driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit my whole family, my mother was killed instantly. I watched the whole thing unfold in front of my feet. From that point in my life I walked alone, foster home to foster home. My father was not fit to take us, he was a very abusive man. This is the reason family means so much to me, probably the only reason I keep the kids mother in there life.
What you said AmandaC about her not just leaving me, but she left the kids also.......... Is dead on. I watched my son scream and cry for her in his sleep for hours, for 3 nights. He still has terrible time sleeping, and Ive spent many nights watching him sleep while I cry. I know he's having bad dreams when he's got his fist's clenched.
What gets me, is they don't like being with her. Every weekend when she takes one of the kids, they cry some times even beg and try making deals with me not to let them go.
Then I have to look this woman in the eye's after she has, left me in my room with the doors shut cause I "cried to much" when I was at my sickest.I don't remember everything about when I was highly medicated, so it scares the hell out of me when something just comes out of nowhere at me. hurts incredibly bad, breaks my heart. I can remember being in bed, needing water and wanting to roll over. But was so sick and weak, that I couldn't even call for help. And she was out on the couch, watching tv and stuffing her face. Or out with her friends cheating on me, in the most hideous ways. Not even trying to hide it, instead showing it off. Telling me "I wished you had just died from it", or telling me to shut up when I woke up late at night crying (it was hard thinking I had been handed a death sentence).
Now I feel like I'm getting the strength to just walk away from her alltogther, and just except who and what she is. Start a new life, for my kids sake.
Sun, 17/04/2011 - 09:20
#71
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
When I first saw the topic I thought "how is this possible?".Then I realised that although some people,friends and family have been supportive most of my relationships have changed.
I have 9 sisters and 2 brothers.My mum is still alive but not my dad. Just before surgery 1 year ago I decided to tell my family mainly as I was possibly going to lose my eye and thought it was better to prepare them. Some have been in constant touch- one brother never yet ,the other one only when I made contact to ask after him and problems he has.One sister visited me as it was convenient for her to see Mum whilst Mum came to stay and I never heard from her since.My husband is and will always be my best friend and still tells me all the time how beautiful I am, despite some disfigurement.
I kept my eye but feel that friends' reactions are because of my changed appearance. Some have become closer ,some more distant,some ask how I'm going,others don't. Some seem sincere ,others not. I wonder what some are really thinking sometimes. One said that she had become used to the new me.I appreciated her honesty.
It is confusing when thinking about where I stand with some people sometimes. At least many just act as though nothing has changed.Some don't like to ask how things are because it's uncomfortable,others feel they are prying. Sometimes the answers I've given made people uncomfortable ,sometimes I've given the impression all is ok.
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 13:59
#72
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi everyone,
I'd just like to first say that, although I get an email for posts, it takes me a while to think, process, and get over the initial emotional heart response that I have when I read these posts. Everyone's stories are so deep, complex and relate-able. Even though we have different situations, the emotion behind that we all carry, is so very the same.
To know TJ that, "The weight that's been lifted off my shoulder's is just unfathomable believe me." is just wonderful. But it comes, for me, also with a tinge of sadness - how are people so alone? How is it so easy for people to forget our connectedness? That a simple comment on a blog from random strangers can restore what real people that we know, have (kind of) taken away, is somehow sad.
TJ, your story about your girlfriend is shocking and for me, my heart feels a little bit broken, because I know of similar stories, and again, I just see people that have lost their humanity for others, lost their connection with others, forgotten that we are all connected, forgotten the empathy. It is tragic because from these things come joy and love, and these people - that do such awful things to others - are living in a world a lot more disconnected than us, and a lot more lonely, and I believe also more painful. I'm not saying this as a gesture that you may feel better hearing some promise of retribution for her/their acts, because, I don't believe in punishment or anything as such (although we can all feel vengeful at times which is natural). I say it because it's the sad irony. We live in a world that, if you cannot see something, if it's not there then it doesn't exist. They think because they can hide their stuff, they can keep on pretending. But, it's awful because it just propagates the initial problem of separateness, then we/they only feel more pain.
The other stuff about your past I found very interesting as I have a belief that the trauma of my childhood contributed to the illness. I had awful violence, continual domestic disruption moving house and school - in the end recoiling into a shell of apathy, and a reluctance to get on with friends, or anything as we would just move, and a narcissistic mother that sucked the life out of me, and continually emotionally abused and stressed me. I got (and still get) really tired of people linking cancer with anger, because I don't see that I am more angry than others, as well as, I am less than others. I also seem to manage my anger better than some, and maybe not as well as others. It seems such a simplified answer. I always believed it was something else, something to do with stress. I have read something recently that puts forward a similar hypotheses, which I have been exploring. Your situation sounds horrendous, and I hope that you don't feel alone in this also. I really feel for you, and hope that you will feel comfortable to share as much as you need to. We are listening, and with interest.
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 14:10
#73
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi SILLY and welcome, your post fully expresses the two-ing and frow-ing of the mind that cannot be objective about the situation, and, which is, part of the torment - it's not just physical. In fact, as we all know here, the physical stuff is the easiest. For eg, someone does something nice, you wonder if they are doing because they feel sorry for you, if you question it though, you might be labeled ungrateful or something else. But it is nothing of the sort, it really and genuinely is a question about how people see you now - because you truly don't know anymore, (about anything!), and no one seems to be very honest with you.
[How many times was I labeled as feeling sorry for myself because I uttered the question "why did this happen to me?". The question was a genuine enquiry into my circumstances that I may take the necessary steps to take responsibility - at all of 21!! People so quick... it's actually a "condition", it's called victimising the victim]
"It is confusing when thinking about where I stand with some people sometimes. At least many just act as though nothing has changed.Some don't like to ask how things are because it's uncomfortable,others feel they are prying. Sometimes the answers I've given made people uncomfortable ,sometimes I've given the impression all is ok."
It so sums it up. While everyone is getting on with their lives, you are double guessing and questioning everything. It's like living in a fog. I guess it's part of the trauma, kind of detached from everyone. I felt like I was living in a television, for everyone to watch, and secretly amongst themselves place bets on my chances. No one really wanted to connect with me. It was actually something that was happening in their lives. So friggin funny.. My parents didn't visit me in hospital, and my dad I saw never. I remember going to a mechanic who know him who told me that he had heard about my cancer, and that it's really hard on my dad. My dad had been in, sucking up all the sympathy, yet I didn't see him once! Weird, weird stuff...
I am an only child, I imagine sometimes that it would be easier if I had siblings, but then your story here SILLY is not really all that unusual. Brothers and sisters can be very unkind to each other. I think it's about deciding whether you are human, or whether you are an animal. Somehow people are still stuck in a time when it was about survival of the fittest (of the body). That though is the world of animals, humans have souls, and it is that awareness that makes us evolved.
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 14:27
#74
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Sarah,
I cant put into words how I feel right now, I've never cried like this before, almost a release. I am angry, I do feel alone and completely lost. Im realizing I've been so busy surviving and raising my kids, that I really haven't had time to process.
I'm only righting this to let you know I've read your post, its hit home with me, I'm extremely grateful for your empathy and honesty. I'll get back to you all properly when Ive had time to stabilize my emotions (my hands are shaking and I can see the keys threw my tears right now). Thank you, thank you, thank you ssoooooooooo much guys......
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 20:06
#75
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
TJ – I apologies for not replying sooner, its school holidays and I have all 3 kids (as you would well know) it’s a constant juggle and I get no computer time. Our kids are 5, 2 and 4 weeks old.
I agree we don’t have to be ashamed of our scar it’s a battle wound. Its amazing we cancer survivors get treated so badly. People treated me like they could catch it and some treated me as if I must have been a bad person and deserved it. My pet hate is when people say “its gods will” I swear if I had herd that one more time I would have stuck a blunt object in someone’s eye…LOL!
There are a lot of studies being done and books being written about the links between childhood trauma and disease. A friend I have met on this journey wrote a great book called “goodbye mummy” and its about her childhood and her later discovery that her childhood trauma could infact be linked with her disease, I cried the whole way through thinking I could really relate to her.
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum and brother and that you spent your life in the system. Your Dad sounds like he can’t take care of himself let alone anyone else, my mum is very similar. I came form a single parent family and when I was sick she was no where to be found, anytime I saw her she would crap on about how she has had a hard time looking for work lately (she moved to the blue mountains, of course its hard it small). The rest of my extended family dumped me and still do not talk to me and justify it to themselves in whatever way self absorbed people do.
I had just had my first baby at the time and he really gave me focus all I kept thinking is this little guy needs his mum and I am going to make sure his life is amazing. We had been trying to have another bubba when we found out Steve had cancer, so when his chemo finished we did IVF and along came our 2nd son I think he really helped both of us in the healing process. Lastly our 3rd son was the baby we were never ment to have, we were told we could never have another baby naturally again a month later I found out I was pregnant. I guess what I am trying to say is our children really are a great distraction and in our darkest times our drive to keep moving forward.
I feel so incredibly sad hearing that your partner left and that you have 3 beautiful children at home wondering what mummy is up to. As a mummy myself I can’t imagine leaving my children ever, we can leave partners but children are forever. It really does say more about who she is and how incredibly strong and amazing you are.
You deserve to start your new life for both you and the kids, you don’t need toxicity in your life. This is it, today is a new day and each day only gets better and better.
SILLY
I am sorry to hear your family were not supportive, especially when there is so many siblings you would expect at least one of them to pull their socks up. I go to the point where I didn’t care if I made people uncomfortable, I would be very blunt about where I was at. But it was always really hard work juggle who was who and where each of them was at with my illness I became reclusive in the end.
Sarah
Thankyou for sharing your story and I to have explored (a lot) the idea of childhood trauma contributing to disease. There are studies being done, infact my husband and I participated in one not long ago. I agree people misconstrue the idea of trauma contributing to be “ANGER” really its not about anger at all. In saying that I do hold a lot of anger towards my family for all the wrong doing this started at the age of 4yo…well form my recollections. I was much more scared and alone as a helpless child in a very abusive environment than I was through the cancer journey. I have done a lot of work and seen a psychologist to help me work through the anger and issues.
Your post was incredibly profound it really hit the nail on the head. It is amazing we live in this world where its all about stuff and appearances, we constantly find new ways to exclude others or rate our selves higher than others. Our self cherishing has become so sociably acceptable that we can justify being awful to the sick and those in need of our understanding.
You are so right about people being completely disconnected and relationships are only skin deep, how incredibly sad they wander through life without a sense of really sharing life with someone.
Well I am off to lye down, the bubba has been up most of the night and I am exhausted. XX to all
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 14:30
#76
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hey TJ, we all been there honey.
Got me crying now too..
Let it all out, grieving is very healthy.
Mon, 18/04/2011 - 14:54
#77
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
... oh and, cancer is enough to make anyone angry. I found I was unable to express any anger without feeling like people were pointing saying "there, she's angry, that's why she has this". So many wanted to diagnose me rather than just be there.
Tue, 19/04/2011 - 02:34
#78
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
I had previously commented on this topic.I had mentioned how some of my siblings had not even spoken to me since they were told I had cancer , some only once. I wanted to add that four of them often ring me often and/or send me messages on Facebook. I have 2 brothers and 9 sisters. One has an excuse for not ringing as she is deaf,but she could write. I don't feel I should be the one to initiate contacts. Two friends who live in a different state are in constant contact.
My main point is you certainly find out where you stand with some people and with some it changes and it's difficult to know where you stand . I admit that I am surprised and disappointed that I have not had a real conversation with some of my siblings about my cancer .
I would not have neglected to show any of them that I cared if it had been one of them.
I hope that if anyone else in my family gets cancer or any serious illness I will be able to support them.It has been 13 months since they were informed.
It's not so much that I need some of them ,but it would be feel good to know they cared.
Tue, 19/04/2011 - 17:13
#79
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
i agree.. i know as a carer i have lost so many friends because im unable to go out like i used to.. looking after my partner has made me so tired and emotional that i feel there are more important things in life than stressing over what shoes go with what bag... i guess people will never understand unless they go through it themselves..
Sat, 30/04/2011 - 09:14
#80
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
I agree with Sarah,I think it was , when she said that some people see us as genetically weaker .Others think that somehow it's our own fault because we didn't eat properly or exercise enough or were angry or unforgiving. From what I've learned to get cancer a combination of factors are usually present but that does not even mean that you will get it ,even if you have all the risk factors.
My cancer has not been linked to any so far. It is adenoid cystic carcinoma and it is very rare.
Someone also said others sometimes think it is like getting a mole cut off so after surgery and some recovery time they think we are ok.I'll bet many of my friends and family don't know that my cancer has high recurrency rates and that it usually will metastesise to the lungs. They wouldn't all know that you are never considered clear and need follow -ups for the rest of your life.I haven't ,of course ,told them everything I know.It's not everything that you share with everyone.Some don't ask anything and that is a bit hurtful.
Sat, 30/04/2011 - 09:26
#81
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
It was Margo who made that wise comment that I referred to above.
Sun, 01/05/2011 - 08:59
#82
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
I had difficulty understanding why some friends did not ask me about my cancer and my progress through treatment.
In the beginning I answered any questions asked of me and was open about the treatment and how it affected my body. Some friends and family seemed to understand, others were uncomfortable with the subject.
My ex-husband was the only one who asked me directly about chemo and how it felt. It was a relief that I could be open with my answer.
I have come to believe that many don’t know how to approach a person with an illness, e.g. what questions to ask and how to respond to the information they receive. It is a minefield for the person with the illness and for the person enquiring.
I learnt over time, who could handle what information and I adjusted my replies to the individual.
It deeply hurts me, that some of my family have “swept my cancer under the carpet”, so to speak. My attitude has changed towards them; I cannot and probably never will, feel the same connection with them.
In times of need we see the true personalities of people around us and it can be surprising who are the ones that offer support at a critical time.
Can I offer some advice; if you don’t find the support you need from those around you, seek out a support group. I did and have found much understanding and help from within the group.
There will always be someone who understands your feelings and can offer support.
Sometimes the best advice comes from outside your circle of family and friends.
Take care.
Reindeer
Sun, 01/05/2011 - 12:56
#83
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Dear Reindeer,I use support groups on line,can't find any off-line ones applicable ,but have used Cancer Council and probably will in the future ,Even on the phone you can say anything you need to and get an understanding person at the other end .
Thanks for your advice.
Sun, 01/05/2011 - 12:57
#84
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Dear Reindeer,I use support groups on line,can't find any off-line ones applicable ,but have used Cancer Council and probably will in the future ,Even on the phone you can say anything you need to and get an understanding person at the other end .
Thanks for your advice.
Tue, 28/02/2012 - 20:38
#85
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi raindeer, hi everyone..
Raindeer, I just re-read your comment and wanted to say it touched a chored with me - especially this paragraph:
"It deeply hurts me, that some of my family have “swept my cancer under the carpet”, so to speak. My attitude has changed towards them; I cannot and probably never will, feel the same connection with them."
I cannot begin to go into how "inappropriately" my family, and many friends also, have responded to my cancer. Deep grief is the way I would describe the feelings I carry consequently, and of course, additionally to everything else. The pain and grief runs deep yes, there is also deep confusion that I have stemming from the gap of understanding; they have no idea, and never will ever appreciate the complexities, as they don't/wont stop a minute to consider.
I understand what you are saying, and feel that you have the same kind of "omg, I can't believe this" sort of thing going on. We need care and support too, why does it happen the opposite way?
Wed, 04/05/2011 - 18:44
#86
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
I think the main thing I discovered is that having cancer has changed me. I am so grateful for the support of my partner, family and close friends but am determined not to be hurt by the lack of communication/interest from others I would normally have expected more from. Life's too short so I focus on those that are genuinely interested in how I'm doing and who really want to hear whether I've had a good or a bad day, but, equally I sometimes find myself having to force them to tell me about their day or what's going on with them. I was so upset when my lovely step-daughter called, in tears, to say she'd been having a bad time at home with her husband but felt she couldn't tell me as "I had enough on my plate". This is when it hits me most, that the dynamic of my relationships has changed. I may have changed in some respects but I still want to be there for others too. My life is not just about cancer and I can't allow it to take over.
Basically, what I'm saying is that it's a 2 way street. My partner, family and close friends are there for me but in order for our relationships to survive, I aim to be there for them when I can too.
Tue, 28/02/2012 - 23:05
#87
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
Hi Smiler,
It is a 2 way street isn't it. I have been off from work for almost 2 years now and haven't heard from anyone in the last little while. To be honest I haven't contacted too many either. I have been in such a world of care and cushy lovey love, take care, world that to be back in the harsh world of reality is at times overwhelming.
I've gotta get back in the game though as watching from the sidelines only makes my family worry.
My daughter also had a melt down a few weeks ago and said she felt so bad because she didn't feel she could complain about anything because of what I've been through. Oh it's so not about just me is it?
Trying to get out and about a little at a time but find that tires me and I have to recoup just like I would from exercise.
A little at a time. I think the trick is to turn the harsh world of reality into a cushy love world of reality. Gotta keep on trying.
Mon, 11/06/2012 - 21:22
#88
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
“There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won’t any more,
and who always will.
So don’t worry about people from your past,
there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”
I lost a few people, but reconciled with some estranged family members, so am very blessed.
"Many people will walk in and out of you life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."
Tue, 12/06/2012 - 01:47
#89
Re: Had cancer, got no friends.
So well said. I am a 2 year plus cancer survivor and at first i fought so hard to keep friends with those that had slipped away. I've realized that is wasted energy and there are many other wonderful people who have been brought into my life that I'd sooner spend time focusing on them and their positive energy and fellow survivorship with some.
When you do what you're suppose to do instead of fighting for something or someone that doesn't fit into your life there are many rewards.
Life is good, share it with those that matter!
Hi Carl,
I've done the antidepressant thing (it's all the rage these days!), and it helps definitely when you just cannot turn things around, turn the momentum around.
I am doing what I can to network with others based on commonalities, also with others that have been through "stuff", and where there is a level of empathy and understanding. I am currently also seeking a support group to attend. I've found that I've just had to take thing in my own hands, it's been really lonely, and stressful, but I've felt I've had no alternative.