Had cancer, got no friends.

Hi Steve, wow, you have hit the nail right on the head with this, I really believe no one knows what you go through and especially when your sick all the time,I know ive lost all but 3 friends cause i cant go to pubs and am too tired to spend the whole day out, id rather sleep to try and keep my levels up, My family{not my husband or kids} have no idea as they treat me like some poor little sick kid and they sympathy is pathetic, I have told them a million times, i dont need or want sympathy, i would like some help, but that for them is too hard so we try the best we can ourselves at times. I am also finding out lately that i am starting to not want to be near people who are self absorbed, when i got diaganosed my sister told everyone i was doing this to hurt her, i didnt realise people actually wanted cancer???? i surely didnt, and when i had my first operation she called me an idiot and that god would take care of me, i no longer speak or see her and im much happier. I do get angry sometimes at what i feel like ive lost but relationship with my husband and kids is stronger than ever as they see first hand how sick i get,I appreciate their support more than anything else..... Take care, Sham

Wierd replying to you Steve seeing as you know my circumstances, but I really think you hit the nail on the head. Given for us your cancer was our 2nd round of going through the loss of family not caring and firends being to self absorbed. I am glad you have written about it to open up the lines for others to speak about their disappointments.

Sham we to had no support I was barely able to stay awake and had to look after a 4 month old, I tell you now my 2nd son is the same age and I can't believe I made it through that period without help. It makes me so mad that people treat us as if we have been bad and thats why we have had cancer...my mum apparently cried to everyone about how awful it was but didn't even see me or my son. Just thinking baout it makes me mad all over again...

Anyway, I am sure we have all experienced this to some degree.

Hi there,

I can relate to everything that's been said already. I had bladder cancer and now have a urostomy instead of a bladder. I know it's not polite to talk about toileting habits but most ostomates need to talk to someone as it's so different, at least at the start.

Our families with the exception of my parents and one sister, barely visited me during the two weeks that I was in hospital. And some certainly have not checked on me since. We saw them at Christmas and a couple of family dos and they really seem to want life for me to go on as it was before. Well as you all know that's never going to happen. My friends have been more supportive than family, with the exceptiion of my parents who ring me every day.

I participate in online chatrooms for ostomates, which are wonderful. This website is also excellent in helping me in many ways.

Julie

hi everyone
i'm 3yrs past a 6wk death sentence.
why is everyone stressing about the minority of amazing people you wil now meet???We are legends,we have done what a lot of people can't imagine.Don't let negative people take away what you have achieved

Hi Steve - new to this site, but very excited to get stuck in! I had no friends throughout treatment and I found the isolation unbearable at times, and to think I thought I was the only one going through the loneliness. That's why I've made it my mission to reach out to those going through treatment and let them know they are NOT alone! We have the most supportive group behind us. I have been absolutely amazed by the support other cancer warriors can give and now have a growing number of friends to help and be helped by. It started by joining a support group and has grown from there. I now have more friends than I did before (OK, maybe one less SISTER!), and not only that -- they are the quality kind of friends I want. Going through cancer has made us question all our priorities in life and is a HUGE learning curve. Some people can't keep up with all the personal growth we go through. It really is a spiritual awakening that maybe only we can truly appreciate and understand. I wish you love and support and hope we can keep connecting. LLx

hey steve, what a great seed for discussion you have planted for us all to get involved in. thanks for your honesty in sharing your story.

i agree that it is a common occurrence for many of us cancer survivors... - trying to work out who the heck our true 'friends are after cancer'.

some disappoint you, some help you, some blow you away through generosity and understanding, some pitty you, some ignore you, others surprise you...

if there is one things i have worked out in life through cancer.... it is that nothing remains constant... likewise FRIENDSHIPS will always change, disappear, evolve etc. Cancer just makes them more so!

hi all.does anyone else realise what we have done?we are survivors!i had pancreatic cancer and was told i had 6wks in2005...i'm getting married next week,but,i keep forgetting...i am a survivor
please don't worry about people who,i think,worry that they may catch what we have,and appreciate the fact that we are still here!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I totally and completely understand what you mean. We usually trust that we can count on a bank of friends and perhaps even family to be there, to provide us with unconditional love that it will be ok. But you know what I found as a teacher, teaching secondary school kids - how people are easily confronted by cancer. Im uncertain as to whether people kept their distance because they didnt like you as a person per se, but rather it confronted their own mortality and their own fears.

Lance Armstrong said in I think his first chapter in "Its not about the bike" Cancer is not exactly a cocktail party conversation. Its not a topic that one can face lightly. Point in case, there was a particular co-curriculum group I wanted to set up however the Headmaster had strong reservations because of the pathology it may bring out in students. It was a co-curriculum focused on raising awareness about cancer and it celebrated the achievements of Jane McGrath, Claire Oliver etc and recognised the fight and survivorship. HOWEVER, it was the reactions that it may bring out in students, the fall out, the suppressed grief etc.

Adults I believe are mearly children blown up by age. We hear someone has cancer and we become self centered and how it makes us feel - friends are no different. I have had the same issue and its the old adage - laugh and the world laughs with you cry and you cry alone. It is confronting, having cancer is confronting, treatment is confronting but if people dont have to deal with it, they wont.

So here we sit, as cancer survivors, sometimes wondering where everyone went. We have changed, our priorities have changed, in feeling fractured we become whole by putting the pieces together. We are the blessed and we are the lucky ones who will turn our lives around, who will perhaps or at least I hope make a difference.

It makes culling your Xmas Card list quite easy!. "Friends" who knew I had a potentially terminal cancer via our family 2007 Xmas Letter and may well have not been "around" by Xmas 2008 - and made no effort to even enquire by phone at ANY time of my wife about my "situation" are permanently off my list. Perhaps that sounds hard - but quite frankly, I no longer want to know some. When you've toughed out the months of being really, really sick with a huge black cloud over your existance, it was an easy decision to make. However, I am pleased to say that the reverse of this is that I have consolidated a number of friends into people that recognise as true & loyal friends.

I thought I would comment here after reading a few of the comments.

Although my husband does, I've never had cancer but I do know somehwat how you feel. Nearly 4 years ago, I had a motorcycle accident in which I almost died. As a result, I'm now left with a disability in my left arm (am surprised it's still there to be honest).
In the months that followed, many friends stopped calling, many just fell off the face of the planet (or that's what it felt like to me) and many people just told me to get on with things when I became reclusive due to panic attacks. Colleagues became impatient due to my newly acquired concentration issue and the crippling headaches I'd get almost every day, thinking I was putting it on.

Now while I've not had cancer, I've been through a similar trauma. I've had to face my own mortality which I think is one of the scariest things anyone will ever do. Unless you've been forced to do it, you'll never know how scary it really is.

And how truly alone you feel when you do.

I think when you have an 'epiphany' of sorts, you begin to realise how short, how amazing, how beautiful life really is and that the arrogance, egos, material possessions, status etc holds no real meaning. Especially in your new world. None of these had a lot of importance to me beforehand but after my accident, it became even more apparent how different I felt to other people.

I've come to realise that those who haven't had this epiphany will never truly understand how we feel but that's not their fault. People don't want to be confronted by their own mortality and we, the ill and disabled, remind all around us that we really are fragile and life can be gone in an instant.

So you see, we aren't alone. There are people everywhere, not just cancer survivors, who have gone through similar situations, felt the same emotions and have survived their own battles.

And because I have an understanding, it really saddens me now that my husband has to go through the same pain, frustration and anger. I see how people react, noticing how some friends have disappeared. I hope that with my experiences, I can support him even more now that he's facing his own mortality.

I have made new friends since having cancer. Friendship is a two way street. I have been going to the gym, support groups, joined online forums and started a new job. I look at what I have gained from this extreme period in my life. The friends I had in the past, stay in the past. They were part of my life which was hectic, stressful etc.

My new life/future commenced when I was diagnosed, my family and a couple of friends from the past are still here with me which I am grateful that we have grown over time together and adjusted/readjusted to change - there are few people you can honestly do that with.

It takes time to rebuild a new life and this change is constant as you regain your health/strength/identity etc. I'm coming up to 2 years and only feel now it is on track. I have always encouraged my husband to maintain his friendships (which was physically and mentally easier for him to do than me during treatment).
I wouldn't want him to resent me for it later. He didn't have a huge social life before we met, so that didn't change much when I was ill. In fact, we spent more quality time together and he too notices how people at work, his family and friends are materialistic. You are probably seeing the world through different eyes with this experience. So it is you that has changed not your friends.

Here is something that has blown me away.

Most of the people that I know are aware of the fact I have been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. People often ask my wife how I am going and she will happily give them a full account of my woes and how much this is changing our lives etc. And to some large extent and with much soul searching I have come to believe she might just be right. People certainly haven't given me a wide berth.

A couple of weeks ago we were at a Christmas Party and one of the people there had only recently learnt of my/our situation. She was upset to hear of things and unbeknownst to us went to Mass the next day and spoke to some others who were there including the local Parish Priest. Our family isn’t Catholic nor do we go to Mass, but our children are all in the Catholic education system.

Last Thursday she came to visit with a bag of food for us – mainly luxury things like cheeses, wine etc. Things to cheer us up. She is an absolute delight – full of positive thoughts and hugs and cuddles.

Then on Sunday we were visited by a family who are involved with St Vinnies with a large (and I mean really large) food hamper together with a mob of presents (and I mean a mob) for the children. We know the family and our children were at school together at one stage. I was, and remain acutely embarrassed by the whole thing. You see I still don’t see myself as being particularly crook (denial maybe). Sure the catheter is a pain and is irritating but generally speaking all is good. I certainly believe that there are others in our Community more deserving of the generosity of St Vinnies than us. I am still working, earning fairly good money and maintaining things pretty well. Well at least I think so – the eternal optimist. I guess though people see me as having cancer.

So what am I trying to say – support and friendship can come from the most unexpected quarter. Like this forum for example. And maybe the local group / school / church that you are involved with will be the ones that help not the friends that you perhaps expected to.

And the message and resolution I take from this is that I will be doing what I can to make the lives of others a little more bearable because my life is pretty bearable and I can enjoy a beer (although getting rid of it hurts sometimes) and taste my food and I have some great support around me. Please have faith in whatever you choose to have faith in.

And I still awaiting a visit from our local Parish Priest

May you all have a magical Christmas. Take a day off from the problems and enjoy time with you family. And laugh til you cry.

Kym

When I was diagnosed with leukaemia I found I had a lot of caring friends. The people I thought would support me didn't and the people I least expected came through for me. It really is a time when you see who your real friends are.
Joyhoney

Yes we've all had friends like that. Kathy it was great that you emailed your friend bringing it all out in the open to reconnect as it allowed her to apologise and offer to make it up to you. I like the idea of say after a few months sending an email to give those who weren't able to handle the cancer thing a chance to reconnect (but obviously a desire to make up for it). Sometimes guilt around not being there for us can lead people not to get in contact when we'd prefer better late than never. For me it's not just the not being there but the unwillingness to say I'm sorry and more importantly how can I make it up to you.

I recently had an experience with a long term friend. I'd done all the travelling and so forth to visit but of course after being diagnosed with work and treatment and so forth I naturally keep up in touch with those that made the effort with me including those who lived a fair distance away but were willing to travel out my way or at least meet at a half way point. Anyhow this friend emailed at the end of treatment accusing me of ignoring her and so forth (she gets free travel and doesn't work it costs me $40 plus 4 hours for each round trip which I have to squeeze between work days) so I was honest and said yes because cancer treatment and work and other things makes one more busy I have been prioritising local friends who have made it easy to meet up as well as those who live at a distance who are willing to come out my way or at least meet at a half way point, however I'm more than happy to meet to discuss it if you'd like to come down my way.

I have had friends who have stopped responding to my update emails which after the first 3 or 4 I spaced out ie one at the end of first lot of chemo, one at the end of second lot of chemo and a final one at the end of radio. Sure they may be busy but a response had a quick read, good to hear from you, caught up with things but will respond later. One friend I'd mentioned I'd be travelling up past her place (naming the month) and would like to call in but heard nothing.

I guess this experience will mean that we will make new friends through the experience, some friends will pleasantly surprise us and others will become a lower priority.

Hi all

As the C word WAS a no no, in my culture.
My parents asked me NOT to tell everyone that I had bowel cancer.

However, I was determined to change the taboo of the C word, especially after my trauma with the cancer.

Spending 37 days in the hospital, it was part of my therapy to talk about my cancer.
I started telling anyone who wanted to listen.

The twist of fate came within a few months after I had come out of hospital when my elderly father found he had mouth cancer.

Thank God my coming out and telling everyone about my cancer helped my dad tell his friends. He is fortunate to have kept all his friends and he loves the way people rally around him and ask him "how he is doing".

The situation was reversed with me and I found that the phone calls stopped, people don't call around any more, we are not asked out as often.

But the positive out of all this is I am happy with my own company whilst my husband is at work, and I can actually go to a coffee lounge / restaurant by myself and enjoy it. This is something I would never have done before the cancer.

My husband and I spend qualiaty time with our immediate family, when we do get together.

I have time on my hands, so I endeavour to get more involved with the Community and help and support others.

Through the Cancer Support Group I am meeting really lovely great people who understand what I have been through and so we share our experiences.

Cheers to all on this site.
DaphneRose

Hi, i have been searching all over for a thread like this since being diagnosed with breast cancer in april 2010. i just dont know what to do anymore. in the beginning i got texts offering support from friends but i foubd out they are just words and they would never follow through regarding offering too listen or be there if i needed it.1 close friend who i always had daily contact with and i have always made sure i am there for 110% when she needed it,started of saying this is our journey we will do it together..then a few months down the line started distancing herself and telling me shes bored of it now,changes every conversation towards herself and made every excuse not to see me or saying she is too busy too text or call,other old friends just wont take my calls or reply on text. i havent asked anything ever from these friends or gone on about my treatment unless they asked 1 question. i just feel an idiot and a bit used for being there the times they needed me. i know they probably dont know what to say or do, but they know me well enough to know a bit of company or a day out would do me a world of good,and i have told them this,they tell me there too busy, so all i can think by this is they really dont care or im not important to them, i love my friends and really thought we were close and dont understand why they are behaving this way, one friend recently got a new boyfriend and just goes on and on about him which is great shes happy but that doesnt mean forget your oldest friends totally. i make out too everyone that im fine,but really i sit in my room 24/7 just thinking and reading on the net(im not a teenager lol) im late 30s, i feel like im going mad when i sleep i have nightmares that im dying while im awake im constantly worrying and working myself up that im losing my friends,i am extremly private and hide my feelings from my family,and i cant go out to meet people due too side effects and i wouldnt be able to face it on my own.
Basically i just feel whats the point waking up!!!! ive started drinking too try blocking everything out but i know that doesnt help. im just lost, i cant see anything getting better when i get through treatment i still wont have my friends that i cared for so much and loved.......is this it worried and lonely forever.x

Hi Daphne, Lonely

It is very hard when you are doing this yourself. I found that I was continually chasing people then I kinda stopped doing that as I just felt that the effort was not worthwhile. My disabilities are quite apparent but you know I still go out and have a coffee by myself or one of the very few people that are still around. Geess sometimes I think I have the plague or there is something wrong with my character.

Anyway I have found meditation really helpful. PeterMac run meditation sessions on Monday and Thursday and they are really good. I have also started on antidepressants and sleep long periods and my body has a chance to recover.

In Buddhism they say you must suffer before you realise the path you must travel and I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

With great compassion Carl

Hi all,thanks for the replys ive had chemo/operation and am now on herceptin just waiting radiotherapy as delayed because i have not healed from my operation yet, i know i need to do something for my own sanity,i have mentioned to my nurses /docters etc i cant cope with my thoughts at the moment and its getting harder, they didnt say too much except to go to a group therapy(i couldnt do this ive tried once at the beginning but found it hard discussing my details with complete strangers).
carl i too feel like im chasing my friends and making all the effort, but likewise there maybe not sure what to say too me, im the same back i feel im depressing them just telling them ive got an appointment, but if it was the other way round i would love too be there as much as they needed it,.
claudie/jules i know what your saying is right i feel everything is just building up in my head since diagnosis and i am a little scared of it all blurting out at the wrong time, i feel im my own worst enemy bottling up but when friends distance themselves its made it even harder 4 me too open up too people, i know i have too learn something by this and hopefully can out it too practise even if i am alone. sorry rushing reply my heads spinning and didnt want to write an essay :)x

Hi All,

Lonelyangel, it's like hearing my own voice. I have had cancer in my 20s (Hodgkins), and in my 30s (thyroid). I am now 39. It has been nothing short of hell, and I don't mean just the treatment. The lack of support I experienced was alarming and traumatic. I am very sure it contributed totally to my level of stress, and recovery. I believe that I have lived in PTS for many years, and I am frequently living in a dissociated state. My brain just couldn't cope with the situation. I can see something similar in you; you are not alone.

I live now, a reasonably good life and all, building my own business, rebuilding my social life, planning an art exhibition, and helping others. I live though with the memories of abandonment and cruelty, of neglect and ignorance, from family, friends, colleagues, and the community at large (I found no effective support anywhere). It is (still) very painful when my mind lapses, and dwells in that general area, but it's also something that I try to face, and "deal" with. Meditation and fun/laughter is good.

My perspective is less allowing than others, I see it's all well and good to say "people don't understand.." etc, but, I believe there's something more deliberate to the actions of many, and I have come to associate it with the animal instinct of survival, to put this idea simply: I have come to believe that some folks out there perceive us as genetically weaker.

I have also come to believe that, part of the trauma of an experience such as ours is that, we have witnessed firsthand this "unpalatable" side to humans, and it has invariably shattered some of our illusions of bliss that we were once existing in.
How do we go on, now that we see so much? That's been a hard question for me (and one that Jackson Brown tried to answer .

Some folks here haven't had the same experiences as I have (abandonment etc), and I just cannot relate. I can only fantasies on how different my life would have rolled, had I had the support. Our lives and experiences as people are all so individual, my brain struggles to understand why some person has help, love and support when I (and others) have had a lions share of lack(!!).

So, that's my bit to share. You are NOT alone, you are NOT going crazy. You probably are though, very stressed and freaking out; you have a lot on your plate, and it's understandable.