The fear of cancer / tumour returning

This is cliche but time heals all wounds. I am now 3 years out, I still have 2 monthly BT but I now find myself forgetting them all the time...I know its so bad. The longer i go without complications the better i feel about it all, I do however find that situations set off my anxiety of return.

My cancer was diagnosed when my son was a few months old, I knew I was possibly sick in pregancy. I just had my 2nd bubba 6 months ago and found the anxiety during pregnancy was unbareable.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the motions, this is not a little thing we all went through its big...its only normal to fear facing our mortality.

XX Amanda

Hi Teacher Mum,

It doesn't go away, it just becomes less dominant. Many years ago a colleague emailed me to say that, the shadow is always there, but it becomes confined to a small room in your mind - the rest is there for the sun. Another acquaintance, fourteen years after his diagnosis still goes and has an annual blood test. He does it just before Christmas, and when it comes back as all OK, he calls it his Christmas present. We all develop ways of managing the shadow, some of them more inventive than others.

I am still on three monthly tests and for a few weeks before hand I get difficult to live with, so if you are only getting into a tiz a day or two beforehand then you are doing well.

Cheers

Sailor

Hi guys,
This is my dominant fear, but it is fading. Sailor I love the image of the shadow.
When I was OS, even though I was with a friend whose husband had died from cancer 4 yeras ago, I realised one day, that I had spent the whole day not thinking about my cancer. It was a wonderful moment. My friend and i would often talk about the nature of the disease but I was able for the first time in 2 years to talk without the fear all the time.
I hope that this moment comes for you too.
Samex

Hi Sally,
I had bowel cancer diagnosed in August 2007, 6 months of chemo after surgery.
Initially I had 3 monthly blood tests. These have stretched to 6 monthly and annual CT scans. The blood tests looked for bowel cancer markers. I also have an annual colonoscopy. My understanding is that this pattern will continue for anther 3 years. Not sure what happens after that.
Be assured that you certainly are not alone in the fear department!!

Samex

Hey all,
Well tomorrow (or should i say today!!!) is my last chemo. I still have radiation to go in the new year though. But as things come closer to the end i get more and more nervous and fall apart. I never imagined that my life would be like this. I had it all planned i was the organised one with everything mapped out. I have HL and have gone through 4 rounds of chemo. As much as i want treatment to finish, at the same time i dont. When you are having treatment you know the cancer cant grow or come back. What do i do once it all ends?? How do you start again??? How do i start living again??? For the past 5 months cancer has been my life, its in my thoughts, my dreams, my actions, my conversations. It seems i have been existing while the world kept living.... I dont want it to continue to consume my life, but i dont want to just pretend it never happened. I am already so scared about relapse and i havent even finished treatment. Any advice????

Hi Charmaine and Smilesonly

Two issues here. For a while now you have been in a routine that involves going in for chemo and that is coming to an end, so it is a time of transition and transitions are uncomfortable for all of us. The second issue is the fear of the cancer returning - the shadow that lives with all of us. If you talk to people twenty years after successful treatment, they will say that it is still there. I watched an SBS insight program on cancer a couple of years ago and the former Australian cricketer Simon O'Donnell commented that there was never a day when he didn't think about his cancer. He called it the life sentence of cancer. I believe that was twenty years after treatment for Hodgkins lymphoma. But it doesn't have to dominate our lives, it can be confined to a very small area of our mind, and generally over time it will.

To help to get to that stage it might be helpful to talk to someone about this. Use the cancer helpline 13 11 20. Talk to your treating team and ask to see a social worker or a psychologist. Talk to your GP and ask to arrange to see a psychologist under the medicare program. Believe me it helps.

Cheers

Sailor

I keep sailing on in this middle passage. I am sailing into the wind and the dark. But I am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full. Arthur Ashe

Hi guys - Charmaine and Smilesonly,
Couldn't agree more with the above. I wish that I had contacted professional advice when I first finished treatment. I just thought I was weak and bonkers when life didn't return to normal immediately.
Even nearly 2 years down the track I struggle at times. However, even though the shadow (as Sailor so effectively calls it) is in a smaller place than it was, my New Year's resolution is to see my GP and start some counselling. I have had a bad week of tears and not coping with the trivial and mundane tasks at all well - time for some help!

BAck to your thoughts and away from mine - the thoughts become less invasive but the monsters do still pop up when you least expect it. My problem is not dealing with the diagnosis of someone else and the fear returns with a vengeance. I believe that you MUSt talk about it to someone who is willing to listen or you will go bonkers. This site has been great for me in this regard.

I'm sure that it was Sailor who commented on another blog that we don't cope but we manage our living with cancer and when we are able to manage a little better then the gremlins become less invasive.

On a personal note - I had a very impromptu trip to New York with a friend in October and the rushing around with that helped me to think that I can get on with some of the things in my life and that every minute is precious. Even the preparations were fun because it was different.
Be kind to yourself and TALK!!

S

Hey teach!

You and me both!

Hope you have a fantastic time away and your trip sounds like its going to be particularly great.

Oh and i keep forgetting to tell you and samex about a time when i got out of hospital. It was at my son's 21st and the young boy (15) from down the road was there. He commented to me that he was very sad when one of his teachers was diagnosed with cancer and he felt that way when he heard about me also. I thoght it was amazing that he bothered to say anything to me and the fact that he could articulate re his teacher too.

Have fun teach.

Julie

Hi Teacher Mum,
It's interesting how much more sensitised we are to bad news. It is shattering to hear of your student. I lost it at one stage last year when the father of one of my yr 12 kids died 2 weeks before the HSC. After roll call I just went back to the staff room and sobbed.

Glad that the trip was fun, however. Enjoy the girly thing!

Hi Teacher Mum, Hang in there ... There is no magic formula for overcoming the fear of cancer. One important thing, though, is to live each day well and to do something for yourself - something that makes your heart sing. Best wishes

Thinking of you today.

Kind regards and hugz to you,
Jill.