confused and angry
Mon, 02/07/2012 - 14:30
just lately i have become more and more angry, also i am confused about what to do about it.My wife has terminal cancer and her bone involvement is very advanced. My wife is looking forward to our holiday in January and so are the kids. Whilst talking to my wifes surgeon last week i mentioned the fact that my wife was worried that she wasn't going to see this christmas, the surgeon then lowered her head slightly and shook her head. When my wife came back into the room, the surgeon told my wife to look forward to the January holiday.
I don't want my wife to give up fighting,so i don't want to say anything to her but she keeps asking me whats wrong and whats bothering me...What can I do, what can I say?
Mon, 02/07/2012 - 16:39
#2
Re: confused and angry
What can you do, what can you say,If your wife believes that she will see this Christmas, then believe it with her, give her hope, something to cling on to, something to work towards.
Whats the alternative, dash the hope, throw away the future plans, even if it is so. give her something to work towards, not just to sit around and wait for the inevitable.
Dont be angry, it will only cause more upset than what you are going through. Who knows, my wife was given 5 wks and she lived on 2yrs with a good quality of life. Once hope has gone, it would be very difficult to regain it.
The end may come soon enough, without living it every day until it is upon you.Your wife is the sufferer and you the carer, she shouldnt be asking you whats wrong, Look after her give her hope.
wombat4
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 23:37
#3
Re: confused and angry
Hi Wombat,
It sounds to me that you and the family aren't looking forward to Christmas and you are getting into a panic about it. It's a terrible thing that your family are going through. I feel that you don't want to face Christmas when the time comes as it would be a very sad day for all of you.
I suggest to have christmas with a lot of people when the time comes as then you will feel happy and the day will just pass for you all. I feel for you too. Glenys xx each to the whole family
Mon, 02/07/2012 - 20:22
#4
Re: confused and angry
dazza2010
Very very complicated matter, has your wife ever asked her medical team or discussed with you about a time frame with her illness. Are you sure your wife will give up hope if given this news. You have to stay strong for the kids as well
Try not to waste your feelings on anger but channel them in to hope for your family
I think your wife has a right to be know about her prognosis but I don't know the full situation,its a hard decision.
It would be putting a terrible mental strain on yourself and family keeping this news to yourself whilst trying to keep it from her, remember doctors are not always right, you have to try and stay positive, only you know the possible answer about how your wife will take this terrible news if told, what a dilemma you all face, good luck which ever way you go.My heart goes out to your family
kj
Mon, 02/07/2012 - 21:11
#5
Re: confused and angry
What a difficult time and decision for you.
As a person living with cancer I am keen on as much honesty as possible, I don't won't to be misled even if people think they are doing it for my good. However, that is me and I know not everyone thinks that way.
What is especially sad is that how you are feeling may get in the way of your relationship and that would be a terrible waste of time. Maybe moving your holiday is a good option.
Be gentle with yourself, you will know which way to go.
Rikki
Tue, 03/07/2012 - 21:11
#6
Re: confused and angry
Hi Dazza!
How I relate!
My husband has had his third stint in hospital for the month this week. Firstly, blood in his poo, secondly, his one remaining kidney failed and then finally he could not keep food down and his potassium levels dropped.....
I asked the doctor outright if this was his body starting to shut down, or if it is an acute situation we can rectify.....she answered that although It was probably an acute episode, his body wouldn't be able to take much more......
Then I had a health professional ask me if he was in denial about the fact he was dying......
Aren't we all?!?!
Anyhoo- I very gently broached the subject with him ( although we have had wills made up, he has yet to sign his....) and he brushed me off......I'm not dying........
Who do you believe?
I have thought since he was diagnosed that he would be around for 'at least 15 years'...... As his cancer is very rare and very slow growing......but this week.....my gut feeling has changed.......
Hopefully he comes home tomorrow and we can have a frank and pragmatic discussion about his status, but I know he is scared.....so am I.........
I want to be positive and upbeat for him (and myself and our kids), but maybe I just need to be honest!!
Maybe we should just live one day at a time and plan for the holiday but have a backup plan just in case......I always do!!
Good luck and I feel for you buddy!!!
PA
Wed, 04/07/2012 - 20:10
#7
Re: confused and angry
Hi Dazza!
I really feel for you and your wife. Both my wife and I have cancer so I can relate both as a carer and a survivor. Every one reacts differently to a life threatening situation. As for us, we have developed a quirky sense of humour and often joke about things to get through. The kids thing we are gross but that is how we are coping. Also as we both have terminal cancer, we have to watch that we don't bring each other down. I don't envy you at this time but I believe it is important to be honest. As far as the holiday goes,I would be looking at bringing it forward rather than waiting as nothing is certain as far as time goes. Give her a chance to have some fun while she can. Enjoy each other. Have a holiday asap and then have another one in January if all is going well! My wife was diagnosed first and I went through all kinds of thoughts and emotions, she was worried about me which was ironic. So the best thing is to talk to each other, look for opportunities to brighten her life.
Best wishes for the near future, for what it's worth I will pray for you and your wife.
Mark A
Thu, 05/07/2012 - 01:04
#8
Re: confused and angry
Hi Dazza,
We too have been in this situation, my husband has 4 brain tumors, found out in Feb, we told the doctor that we planned to go to qld, in late april, was advised to bring it forward, but Gary was so determined to stay to the plan, and against all odds, we made it and had a great holiday, he didn't quite get home as planned, but we did after 4 days in brisbane hospital, but it still would of happened if we were home, and we would have missed the 2 weeks of fun and family.he is still going ok 4 weeks later but of course we have started the downhill run, what can you do, I also feel shitty and angry but I do discuss everything with him, even this site, my kids are older, we started our family very young, I am so glad now, but know how you feel as I see the look in the grandkids eyes that their poppa wont be around much longer, so discuss it with her and let her decide because at the end of the day, it will be her choice, take care and be strong, Rain.
Fri, 06/07/2012 - 11:53
#9
Re: confused and angry
If your wife is worried that she may not make it to Christmas she is not totlly unaware of the situation . Maybe you can celebrate Christmas in July. It is something that is done in some places anyway.Then if she is still here for Christmas you can have a different kind of Christmas celebration . Then ,since you've moved your Christmas ,suggest that you move your holiday forward a month or few .
Just an idea .
Mon, 09/07/2012 - 22:01
#10
Re: confused and angry
I think it's important to be honest.
I know it would be hard, my father just passed (4 days ago) and he was honest with us about everything & every piece of news the dr gave us. What ever the news it only made us stronger and to never give up.
Goodluck
Tue, 10/07/2012 - 04:02
#11
Re: confused and angry
First of is WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED as this is surely going to relay to your wife and believe me she is going through enough hurt and mixed feelings without you adding your anger emotions to them plus all of that is not going to help her but stress her a lot more and she really doesnt need any of that.
A surgeon is just that a surgeon, they have no idea of what the life span will be for a cancer patient hence you need to TALK to your wifes specialist and again you probably won't get an answer as no matter how good the oncologist he/she is they are unable to give a basic timed life prognosis as everyone has differing cancers,differing treatments, different reactions to treatment, different out looks, different expectations etc etc.
If your wife want to go on this holiday and it may be the last time she gets to go away why are you making it difficult for her. Plan it, make good bookings, talk about it with your wife with enthusiasm you may not feel but you will show anyway.
I have inoperable pancreatic cancer and nearly into my 12th month chemo of it and we have just had a big setback with my last chemo not working and have found the two metastases in my liver have really taken off plus I now have a lot of small lesions. I am in constant pain every day but my fiance and I have just returned from a weeks holiday in Nth Qld, we get married in September and have already started planning our trip up Nth WA to Kununurra for about 4 weeks which means I will have to skip some chemo.
I have a big white board that I have my bucket list on and my fella is quite happy to take me wherever I want to go before I die. Basically he wont deny me anything within reason of course.
The only times my man has yelled at me is when he thinks I'm not looking after myself like I should be especially with eating and he knows I need to eat and eat a lot.
We try and live our lives as if I have many years to go even though for me every day I wake up it is the first day of the rest of my life and I try I keep and them active.
Don't deny your wife some happiness but try and join in with her happiness and yes sit down and talk but don't get angry she doesnt deserve that from the man she married and loves.
Maz
Tue, 10/07/2012 - 15:10
#12
Re: confused and angry
I agree with some of the answers regarding holidays. Why not plan a few short holidays saying that you've realised that enjoying life now is paramount. Even weekends and extended weekends flying interstate and so forth if it's hard to get much time off work. Then you, your wife and the kids can enjoy a few fun times together.
With your wife not appearing to be fully aware of her prognosis can you have a chat with her surgeon or oncologist on their own to find out more around what they have told her. Tell them your concerns and observations. Then you know what she knows and can go with the flow especially if she's aware of the true situation. Could you also talk to support staff at the hospital about this ie psychologist.
It is true that they can't accurately predict how long someone will live. A friend of mine was told in June 2010 that chemo wasn't helping her and wasn't going to cure her and they would give her tablets that had a small chance but more likely to prolong her life. She asked how long she had left and they had to say we actually don't know we can only estimate 6 months to 2 years, could be more. Sadly she did die after 18 months however she had a trip booked that ended up being a few weeks prior to the death but at the time was well enough to go and had a great time.
Sadly she had a care nurse decide that she needed to face reality and gave her a talking to about how she wouldn't be around this time next year (she was attending appts, taking medication, living life well but not irresponsibly and doing everything she could) and I felt that shortened her life. Discussing enjoying life and concerns SHE raised about maybe not being around in more of sounds like that person/activity means a lot to you, is there anything you want to do to celebrate that would have been more helpful.
Tue, 10/07/2012 - 19:47
#13
Re: confused and angry
When my hubby was diagnosed with GBM in 2009 the DR said you will be dead in 3 months and walked out the door..He knew it was a brain tumour but he never researched it like me, never wanted to know and just believed he would beat it. Now it has just come back over 2 years later he has told the surgeon he never knew it could reappear. Looking back I'm wondering if that kept him so positive and alive for that time. Now he knows it can reoccur he is much more anxious and not as positive, hope he regains his thirst for survival with the kids and my help but it is a tough call. One only I think the individuals at the time can make together. Prayers for you and go have a wonderful holiday...I can't twist my hubbies arm to go anywhere and we soooo all need that break.
Tue, 10/07/2012 - 19:50
#14
Re: confused and angry
When my hubby was diagnosed with GBM in 2009 the DR said you will be dead in 3 months and walked out the door..He knew it was a brain tumour but he never researched it like me, never wanted to know and just believed he would beat it. Now it has just come back over 2 years later he has told the surgeon he never knew it could reappear. Looking back I'm wondering if that kept him so positive and alive for that time. Now he knows it can reoccur he is much more anxious and not as positive, hope he regains his thirst for survival with the kids and my help but it is a tough call. One only I think the individuals at the time can make together. Prayers for you and go have a wonderful holiday...I can't twist my hubbies arm to go anywhere and we soooo all need that break.
I believe you should discuss your wife's prognosis with her. It's heart breaking and even harder to keep these things to yourself. My partner always looks on the bright side and stays positive. He believes and tells people that he will be around for years. It was hard for me to go along with him knowing that things aren't going to be as bright as he thought or hoped for. I kept all the things about GBM that I read to myself and it was killing me. He could see and feel it and asked me to be honest and upfront with him about how I feel, what I read, etc. We cried hard after this talk but helped me a lot. We agree that things aren't looking good but we have to stay positive. You never know you may be one of the lucky people who happens to survive this.
As for the holidays, can you bring the holidays forward? I know it sounds like a stupid suggestion. I've been there before. We had a plan to go to Europe at the end of May this year. It's a trip that we planned for a long time before we discovered that my partner has GBM in August last year. We were positive and believed we could make it. We were suggested to bring our plan forward. I didn't have enough leave days at the time and the timing and season in Europe weren't right so we aimed high and kept the plan. It ended up we couldn't go due to recurrent tumour and spending the money on his drug instead.