i cannot remember the last time i wrote. mum had a chest infection and after a week in hospital she went to a hospice, after one week in the hospice she came home as she decided she was not ready to pass away.mum spent two and a half beautiful weeks at home before returning to the hospice. on the doctors usual weekly visit she explained that mum had pneumonia and had had a mild stroke from brain tumor bleed and suggested mum return to hospice. mum passed away shortly after returning. it happened the way mum always spoke how she wanted it to...quick and peaceful.

This is part 2 of my last blog. It was a reflection of everything I had started to overcome when i was recovering from cancer.

http://www.thecancerstory.com/2012/01/part-25-confessions-of-mad-man-2.html

its been nearly 3 weeks, since my new husband has passed away... it has been nearly 1 month and 3 weeks since we married... what the hell is this? i wake up some days ok.. today i went for a swim was motivated.. then tortured myself with his voice messages, photos and videos of us overseas.. he died just after his 25th birthday... he'l be 25 forever and i'll get old without him... how is that fair? i thought we were already on this cancer rollercoaster and now i want off.. i thought i was done and now im on a new one... the actual grief one and it sucks! its 1.30am and im wide awake...

I feel as though I am in a dream.
I so wish that my family were all together again; mum, dad & siblings all under the same roof. Mum's hearty dinners and dad's practical jokes. Family ABBA dance routines and trips to the beach to swim, play and collect seashells.
Whenever I attempt to 'move on' I feel guilty - as though I am trying to replace mum's memory.