Why?

willow's picture

Hi
All of a sudden I am sooo angry with this 'cancer' and what it has done to my life.....and what it continues to do....I was so positive a few days ago and now I sit here with angry tears wondering why? I think I need to stop working as this too is making me angry and leaving me dissatisfied each day. Maybe it will be a mistake but right this second I don't want to go back.
The people there make me angry and their issues about being fat, or bored or bitching about others etc makes me want to tell them to just get on with it and focus on the really important stuff. And I also feel a bit jealous that they don't have to be serious or anxious about things and can talk about what they are doing next year etc. I don't know what is wrong with me tonight - I am angry, scared, worried and quite miserable.......I just wish that I could go back twelve months (Feb 8th '09) to the night my daughter arrived at my door for a surprise visit from London (she had been there almost six years) and I said 'this is going to be the best year of my life'
How wrong I was.........
My love and best wishes to you all......
Willow xo

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margc's picture

Re: Why?

hi Willow,

How refreshing to hear what I am feeling, I thought it was just me! hang in there, as they say its always darkest before the dawn. Take care love Margc

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Thanks Margc
It seems we all feel the same at some stage doesn't it...that is what makes it so helpful to keep in touch on this site. Everyone is so understanding and they genuinely care.
Kind regards, Willow. xo

Mrs Elton's picture

Re: Why?

Hi Willow,

It is a common thread here about the triviality issues of people who haven't walked in our shoes.

I can also relate to the jealousy that you refer to, I feel extremely jealous that they can all continue on with their 'happy families' and my own family is never going to be the same again.

I actually find it quite difficult to be with several of the school mums who are my main support base (and who I really do appreciate for all that they have done for us) because they are a classic example of what our family was and it causes me pain and sadness to think of the difference in our futures.

I'm not pleased that I feel that way, but I have to acknowledge it and know that it is just the way I feel, it's not right and it's not wrong, it just is.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that you can find clarity in your thoughts, give yourself time and trust your instincts.

Hugz to you,
Jill xo

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Hi Jill
Thanks - your words are always full of truth and wisdom ....it is wonderful how you always have time to answer others problems and concerns when you have so much to deal with yourself.
Take care, Willow xo

larn75's picture

Re: Why?

It is so very true what you said about trivial issues. I had lunch with all the girls today and I couldnt get into their conversations. They were just repeating gossip and making judgements. Another friend and I just sort of sat there for a while before just talking amongst ourselves. She has also been affected by cancer and does a lot of fundraising which is actually how we met. I heard she was shaving her head and came down to support her and we have been friends ever since. We both noticed that the things being repeated and gossiped about were never good things that happened to people. It made me feel kind of deflated until Nic and I started talking about our next fundraising "crusade" (these same women call me the great crusader, which I feel does not always have a positive undertone but that will never stop me Smile)
Anyway Willow, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Vent your heart away on here. You are amongst a group of wonderful, caring, non-judgemental people who understand exactly where you are coming from
Take care
Alana

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Thanks Alana
I have thought about doing some sort of volunteer work if I quit my job....don't quite know what but certainly worth looking into.
Keep up the good work you are doing - and don't let what others say bother you. I have had a few nasty comments from people about various things and even though they initially hurt my feelings I eventually thought it through and I just felt sorry for them.
Take care, Willow xo

Sailor's picture

Re: Why?

G'day Willow

As Jules and Teacher Mum say - what you are going through is quite normal and in fact healthy. Don't be afraid to cry. Doesn't make it easier at the time. We can't go back to what things were like beforehand and you are in the process of trying to make sense of what has happened and what is happening. We have all been there and know what it is like. You have so much more than all those other people as you now have a different set of values to look at things and so much of what goes on around you is trivial and not worth putting up with. So take care of yourself as you work out where to put your efforts and don't be afraid to seek help. Dump whatever you want to on this site - it is why it is here.

Regards

Sailor

Have you stood by the ocean on a diamond hard morning
And felt the horizon stir deep in your soul? Eric Bogle, Safe in the Harbour

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Thanks Sailor
You definetely have a way with words......I find it hard to express what I am thinking and feeling. I often want to offer advice to others on here and respond in some sort of meaninful way but I find it difficult.
Your words at the end about the 'ocean on a diamond hard morning' made me reflect and realise how much nature these days plays a part in calming my soul ....I often sit at night and look in awe at the magnificent sunsets out my back window ....or marvel at the gnarly old trees in my neighbourhood when I go for a walk or at the huge expanse of sky with the beautiful clouds and their different shapes. I could go on and on ...it is something that makes me happy and makes me feel at peace. Take care,
Kind regards, Willow

Jules2's picture

Re: Why?

Hey willow

Unfortunately, what you are going through is part of the grieving process we all go through post diagnosis and its often delayed when treatment is involved. Sending you hugssssya's and hope you are feeling a bit better today. I wouldnt make too many important decisions while you are going through this bit, just wait till you come out the other end - and you will!!

Thinking of you

Julie xo

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Hi Julie
I do feel a lot of my feelings and reactions were delayed during treatment and for awhile I think there was a certain amount of denial - it was the only way I could get through it.
I don't want to quit work but some days it is just too hard to keep moving forward. I hope I do make the right decisions.
Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on ......I hope you are right when you say I will come out the other end.
Hope all is ok with you,
Kind regards, Willow xo

Teacher Mum's picture

Re: Why?

Hi Willow,

Ahhh such are the trivialities of life which make us cross at the best of times. I think I spent 6 months wondering why on earth people would focus on silly issues when certainly there were more important issues to be concerned about.

Fear still remains and anger with the joy - I put it down for me as the lack of control. I like neat and order and as a teacher my life is timetabled during the week, hour by hour I know what I am doing - then a tumour comes along and well the uncertainty creeps in and we are forced in many respects to confront an issue that perhaps we thought we didnt need to consider for a long time...

There is nothing wrong with you Smile *hugs* you are evaluating your life, with an unforgiving eye, knowing time is precious and working out where to devote your energy Smile

Love and light to you xxxxx

Teach.

willow's picture

Re: Why?

Hi Teach
You are very wise......I too like order in my life and this has certainly thrown me.......I feel all messed up and I do feel out of control. How do I get the control back ....not sure but I am working on it (most days)
And your right - I didn't think I would be facing these decisions now or facing these issues this soon - I had at least the next ten years all mapped out and I was actually looking forward to some of the things I had planned. And then this .........wow, so hard. So now I have to find a new plan and I'm not coping very well.
Anyway ...thanks for your reply .......Take care,
Willow xo

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