Where to now?
I could not be feeling more depleted and miserable ......why...... I am continuing at work and I sit here with nothing to do as I have been given an admin role which is demeaning in the extreme. I have been feeling increasingly out of control for some time now and don't know who to turn to......17 months ago I had a job, a life, I felt useful and in control (I was busy and stressed but I 'had a life' ) Now all of a sudden I feel like I have nothing ....first there was all the treatment and Doctors and nurses and illness and crap to deal with on a daily basis.....it was a struggle to just get through the day and stay sane and the emotional impact was huge. Now all of a sudden there is nothing ..... no 'real' job, no friends, family who don't want to discuss anything to do with how I really feel or how I am coping now, and no life. I feel completely lost, alone and kind of desperate. I have to have an operation (nothing to do with cancer) and I don't think I can face it. I also have to have a colonoscopy (cause the specialist says I am at a greater risk of developing colon cancer now I have had breast cancer) But I can't face any procedures or injections or pills or anything........
My mother is sinking much faster (dementia and in a nursing home) she is literally just shrinking before my eyes - disappearing .....until one day and I fear it will be soon she will be gone. I know I can't cope with that....I am struggling now to stay positive and happy around my father to keep his spirits up and I know that he will collapse and have a total breakdown if anything happens to mum.
My son moved out last week and I miss him terribly ...he was a nuisance and messy and lazy but he was there.....and he made me laugh. He is still around but the nights are incredibly quiet,long and lonely.
I am finding it hard to find something good about being alive ...and sometimes I just wish I wasn't......This last 17 months have taken there toll and I am exhausted. I want my old life back and the old me back......I thought I was doing ok but in reality when I am honest with myself the smiles I show the world are not real. And I am sooo sick of not being able to tell people the truth about how I feel. I remember when I was feeling like I was going to die and having to smile and tell people I was feeling ok, not too bad really, as this is what they wanted to hear, needed to hear. How bloody stupid...I feel so resentful now that I couldn't be truthful. I am feeling angry, bitter and resentful today of pretty much everything and I just have to say it.
I told my old manager that I was feeling awful and I started to cry ....he looked terribly uncomfortable and told me to make a cup of tea......and he had treatment last year for testicular cancer. But he is so well now and he doesn't talk about it. When I am at work I feel even more alone than when I am home as I just don't feel as if I fit in.
I have not written a blog for a very long time and I have not been active on the site either but I just feel so low today that I have to reach out .....even if it is just for a whinge......
What now.....how do I keep going.....? I can't shake this sense of urgency as if time is running out...... as if I am suddenly in a terrible hurry......I could write so much more but I have to get back to work before anyone realises I am not actually working.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and I hope today finds you ok.
Take care everyone,