Where to now?

willow's picture

Hi
I could not be feeling more depleted and miserable ......why...... I am continuing at work and I sit here with nothing to do as I have been given an admin role which is demeaning in the extreme. I have been feeling increasingly out of control for some time now and don't know who to turn to......17 months ago I had a job, a life, I felt useful and in control (I was busy and stressed but I 'had a life' ) Now all of a sudden I feel like I have nothing ....first there was all the treatment and Doctors and nurses and illness and crap to deal with on a daily basis.....it was a struggle to just get through the day and stay sane and the emotional impact was huge. Now all of a sudden there is nothing ..... no 'real' job, no friends, family who don't want to discuss anything to do with how I really feel or how I am coping now, and no life. I feel completely lost, alone and kind of desperate. I have to have an operation (nothing to do with cancer) and I don't think I can face it. I also have to have a colonoscopy (cause the specialist says I am at a greater risk of developing colon cancer now I have had breast cancer) But I can't face any procedures or injections or pills or anything........
My mother is sinking much faster (dementia and in a nursing home) she is literally just shrinking before my eyes - disappearing .....until one day and I fear it will be soon she will be gone. I know I can't cope with that....I am struggling now to stay positive and happy around my father to keep his spirits up and I know that he will collapse and have a total breakdown if anything happens to mum.
My son moved out last week and I miss him terribly ...he was a nuisance and messy and lazy but he was there.....and he made me laugh. He is still around but the nights are incredibly quiet,long and lonely.
I am finding it hard to find something good about being alive ...and sometimes I just wish I wasn't......This last 17 months have taken there toll and I am exhausted. I want my old life back and the old me back......I thought I was doing ok but in reality when I am honest with myself the smiles I show the world are not real. And I am sooo sick of not being able to tell people the truth about how I feel. I remember when I was feeling like I was going to die and having to smile and tell people I was feeling ok, not too bad really, as this is what they wanted to hear, needed to hear. How bloody stupid...I feel so resentful now that I couldn't be truthful. I am feeling angry, bitter and resentful today of pretty much everything and I just have to say it.
I told my old manager that I was feeling awful and I started to cry ....he looked terribly uncomfortable and told me to make a cup of tea......and he had treatment last year for testicular cancer. But he is so well now and he doesn't talk about it. When I am at work I feel even more alone than when I am home as I just don't feel as if I fit in.
I have not written a blog for a very long time and I have not been active on the site either but I just feel so low today that I have to reach out .....even if it is just for a whinge......
What now.....how do I keep going.....? I can't shake this sense of urgency as if time is running out...... as if I am suddenly in a terrible hurry......I could write so much more but I have to get back to work before anyone realises I am not actually working.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and I hope today finds you ok.
Take care everyone,
Willow

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I Miss My Mums Voice's picture

Re: Where to now?

I have been reading your blogs Willow and I must say that your story sounds to me like major discrimination under the equal opportunity Act and very familiar!!!!

Why dont you leave that damm job if your doing admin roles now and not being treated equally?, take time for yourself, get some advice, some professional help.

You work to live now; not live to work.

I can understand your pain in this because i have seen it with my Mum. She was discriminated at work after her operation for throat cancer for a total of 7 months recently by a very mean mean woman, upon return to work she, like you, was made to feel incompetent after doing so much, 8 years of work and a promotion to supervisor -respect was hard for her to obtain within the place! They suddently assumed she had changed, wasnt competent anymore and they were becoming annoyed that she was taking so much time off! After never taking annual leave - only a week over Xmas each year!

The story is very similiar to you. In the end, we are all just numbers and as harsh and injust as that sounds Willow its reality.

Even though you demonstrated your loyalty and skills to the company and may have been irreplacable then by saving them a half mil, it sounds like your manager (whom is a pig) is looking at you like your a liability now; which by the way, i also would find highly offensive! If i were you, i would hold my head up high and get out of there before you lose your self esteem for good! If you cant escape due to financial commitments - start today, look for something else, call Centrelink - do some charity work???

My mum went down and was experiencing and still is experiencing the feelings that you described above; lonely, lost, desperate. Mum was unfairly dismissed on July 1 this year and consequently we are now taking legal action towards both the employer and client of the employer. Whilst my mum was happy to sit there and be treated like an idiot; i had to see the aftermath when she got home, the tears, the pain of being otrasised by her workers, being told i cant understand you on several occasions whilst the manager stormed off on her! ~ i stood up and said this isnt happening! My mum had throat cancer, and had her voice box removed. She also had breast cancer but has been clear for 7 years.

The pain of being so successful, like you, then having to fight breast cancer and then being told you are no longer working at an efficient pace is a joke and makes me quite sick!

I suggest you call fair work australia or the equal opportunity commission to get advice before you do anything, have you spoken to Human Resources about your unhappiness with the role and the behaviour that is making you feel the way you do by your manager?

You sound like a person who finds joy in accomplishment and achievement, as i do and to have that snatched off you by someone who has been through testicular cancer especially is not only bad management, lack of integrity and morals but is total inconsiderate and ignorant. He must believe because he got over it and dealt with it, then returned to work that everyone can! Funny how ignorant managers can be.

You described your mother as diminishing, again something i can relate to as i watched my grandmother slowing dissapear in a nursing home too, she passed away in April this year on Easter Sunday. That also was very difficult for Mum. I watched the guilt she felt and the hurt and anger every day until the end of nana's life.

I wish you all the best, please know that there is and has been a woman who has gone and is still going through what you are. As im sure; many thousands of others are too. But to connect with just one of those thousands may help you to overcome this battle. My mother is on here to her name is "No Voice". All the best Smile

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