Update on '2010?'

willow's picture

Hi everyone

Thankyou again for your support.
I have been getting headaches again for about a week and just felt physically and emotionally unable to return to work this week so went to my local Dr and got a medical certificate. At the moment I can't see myself going back to work ever again. I still don't feel able to make major decisions yet. Hopefully this will change with time. I'm sitting around doing nothing of value each day but stangely I am feeling a bit calmer and enjoying just resting and the feeling of no pressure to be anywhere at a given time or having to do anything unless I want to.
I am trying to plan my days but fail to act on my plans when the new day dawns. I usually don't shower till after 12pm and just read and relax. People have said that I have had over 8 months doing nothing but this is not true....my body and mind spent that time fighting the chemo drugs, the affects of the radiation and the emotional side of my diagnosis. I was never comfortable, or well and never able to relax enough to enjoy reading, eating, sleeping, TV or any normal activity. It is just nice right now to be able to enjoy these things again at least some of the time. I told family after the Christmas celebrations that I needed to stop and just do nothing as I was feeling overwhelmed and very stressed about my obligations. And I am glad I have stuck to this and just had time in my house for myself. I am feeling that perhaps this is the way to go ......just do what I want and not commit to anything.....a bit isolating but perhaps for now this is just enough. Later I can think about maybe joining a support group or doing some voluntary work, restarting my gym membership and finishing setting up my new house. But being super lazy seems to be working for me right now. I think I have been just trying too hard to return to my old life. This is not necessarily what I should do. I should listen to my body and my mind and do what feels good 'for me'. Not listen to what others think I should be doing.
Again, thank you to all of you for your support .....I have been trying to follow the blogs written recently but I have lent my computer to my daughter and am using my sons which is not very reliable - it keeps shutting down and the screen keeps going completely white. I tried to write a blog the other day and just as I was finishing it the computer screen went whacky......(it sort of starts rolling, hard to explain) so I lost all I had written. Hopefully I will get my computer back from my daughter this weekend so will be able to log back onto this site regularly again.
Hope you are all feeling ok for now. Resting up with your cats, looking after the Shingles, coping with tests and vists to doctors and just life in general.
My thoughts are always with you all ....and I love reading your replies to each others blogs.......it is all of you that give me the strength to keep going each day......
love Willow ....xo xo xo


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Versaillon's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Oh dear. I'm afraid to say that I too, am a crazy cat lady!

I have my two beautiful babies who I simply couldn't imagine life without. Mine are brother and sister from the same litter - Elli and Loki. Both are Ragdoll crosses and just give me so much joy in a world full of stress.
Loki, my dark chocolate boy, is the smoochier of the two and he loves nothing more than to sleep close to me or follow me around when I'm home. He's quieter than Elli but when he has something to say, we have a little conversation..
Elli, my grey tabby girl, is the princess of the family. She's beautiful, she knows it and she likes to tell everybody constantly. She's affectionate when she feels like it but this seems to be getting more often the older she gets Wink

We also have two dogs but unfortunately for them, I'm more a cat person than a dog person. Cats are just awesome and my two helped me through many a dark day over the past 6 years!

Jo xxx

CATS's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Hi Willow - a crazy cat lover - wow at least there are two of us in this world who admit to it. I know a lot of people who just love to admit that they hate cats- when I question them as to why, I am given some frivolous idiotic answer - they are cunning, they poo in my garden, they scare my chooks - come on, get a life! I only have 1 cat and at times she seems like 10. Tulip is a gorgeous tortoiseshell tabby. She has the most amazing colouring which seems to change in different lighting - ginger, brown, fawn, cream, auburn,black -at times they all merge into one beautiful colour.
I am also able to throw her over my shoulder, where she happily sits trying to bite my face and ears. Your cats sound gorgeous,and like Tulip loves me, they obviously love you.I believe we are the lucky ones- being blessed with the love of cats and I'm sure Sailor would agree- he has a huge (by comparison to mine) black and white kitty. Another thing, cats are inspirational- well I think so- bye meeow.

CATS's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Willow, when I read your first '2010' blog I couldn't think of anything to say to try and help you. I was furious- how dare your supervisor treat you like that - all over 3 days- some people are total morons. I am glad you are taking time out for yourself and do not be in a hurry to go back to work.If I were you,I would get myself a kitten - some people turn to alcohol, some to chocolate- me-I always turn to the most precious creatures ever created - yes you got it - my addiction- cats. Look after yourself xx meeow

willow's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Hi Cats

I am pleased to be able to tell you that I share your infatuation with cats. I have two lovely boys that I absolutely adore. They helped me through my treatment - they were always there and slept on my bed every night - still do. My little Ollie is dark grey and a very cuddly cat- part British Blue ......I can pick him up and throw him over my shoulder and he snuggles in and purrs madly. Harry is part Russian Blue, silver grey and a bit more aloof but he is a very needy cat because if left in a room alone he cries asking 'hey where is everyone....I'm all alone' My cats talk to me and I talk to them all the time....I have been told I am a little mad...:>) I can't imagine my life without them. What sort of cats do you have?
Kind regards, Willow xo

samex's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Hi willow,
I think doing nothing and being responsible for no-one but yourself for a while is wonderful. Even now I just want to stop and not do the washing or make lunches or cook dinner and mark some kid's work. It is not only physically exhausting but emotionally as well I have discovered.
I crave to be able to just be me sometimes and I am much further down the track than you.
Anyway, what's the rule that says you have to be dressed before noon?

Take lots of care,


Jules2's picture

Re: Update on '2010?'

Hey Willow

You sound so much better, congrats to finding where you need to be. I think thats half the battle. It is a relief to find clarity after living in a fog, that one i know and can relate to. You are being kind to yourself and thats great and are very, very correct in saying that having treatment is not relaxing even though you were not working in the "traditional" sense. As one of my chemo nurses said "what we are giving you is tantamount to your body running a marathon". It is exhausting i have found and i am struggling with that, although have nearly come to the place that you are at.

I hope you enjoy your r n r and shame we dont live closer or i would send my techie son around to fix your computer. My son is my walking talking calculator and computer technician. lol

take care and great to hear you sounding better, hope i have that bit right and not assuming



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