So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

willow's picture


I am so angry tonight - and upset - and stressed - and now that the initial strong feelings are starting to pass I am feeling a little sad and worried. What am I going to do, now there is even more uncertainty in my life.
I have been struggling with my workplace since returning in late November. I had gone back too soon after my treatment finished. It had only been three weeks and I wasn't coping emotionally or physically. I was on a back to work program but it was just too hard. Also I was driving in and that too was taking it's toll.
So in February I went to HR and told them I needed to take a break so I could focus on my recovery and help my elderly parents. I explained that I wasn't coping. They were fine with this but my manager wasn't. I won't go into all the things he has done to make me unhappy but he has definetely made my return difficult. Just one thing that stands out is that he wouldn't let me take the three days between Christmas and New Year even though I resorted in the end to saying to him,'I haven't had a Christmas or birthday (it was my daughter's b'day on the 29th Dec and she had spent the last six years in London) with the whole family for six years and I wasn't sure I was going to be here for the next one. He still said it was a business requirement that I work the three days.
Anyway - I have worked only 26 days since my return on the 30th November and he asked me to submit a performance review. I thought this was ridiculous so I wrote that I have been sick and not worked enough days or done any specific work only helped my colleagues.
The email today was a response to this - he basically rubbished the work I had done and said I was not performing at the level I had been previously (before I got sick) What did he expect - he knew i was struggling and I had explained to him more than once that I had chemo fog and was struggling.
I have applied for part time work and he doesn't want me there in a part time role so he is making me look incompetent.
I have done so much good for this company ...when promoted in 2007 to a consultant role I was given notoriously problematic accounts to assess and solve and after months of working late and long hours sifting through archived information I was able to on two different accounts save the company a considerable sum of money and prove that payment was owed. Nearly half a million dollars.
And now this bastard is trying to work a case against me to say that I am inadequate and incompetent and lazy.
I will no longer work for him....I can' was the last straw.....but I have decided to raise a grievance against him and the company because I will not go with nothing. I don't want or need this stress or added grief right now but what else can I do. So as of Monday I will be without a job and I don't know whether this is a good thing or not. Because before this 'cancer' came into my life I was respected in my job and I loved my job and i was good at it. It gave me a reason to get up in the mornings.
What will I do now .....I am not confident enough to start again and I am not young enough either......I feel like writing all night but I need to rest as I am emotionally spent.
Thanks as always for reading this....I hope it makes sense as I am still upset and angry and miserable all at the same time.
Willow xo


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maddie86's picture

Re: So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

that frustrates me when i hear about work places being unsympathetic! my boss said to my face if u need time off have it.. then behind my back complained that i wasnt capable of supervising children because my mind is elsewhere and im taking to much time off... really annoys me!

deejjay's picture

Re: So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

Hi Willow

Sorry to hear that your supervisor is being such a you know what about things. It is difficult working with cancer and the aftermath and important that you are able to either work part time or take the time off to get better. Don't resign but instead get a medical certificate saying you are unfit and see HR again.

I would suggest that you contact the Cancer Council Helpline for some advice and also the Federal Human Rights Commission and Fair Work office for some advice on your situation.

Hugs DJ

samex's picture

Re: So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

Hi Willow,
This may sound trite and all of that, but maybe this is what may give you the kick start to make those changes that we always promise ourselves.
I know that when I was diagnosed I promised myself to look at life diffferently, take chances, do the improbable- but what did I do ? Slipped straight back into working too hard and giving constantly to others and no time for myself. What then happened - depression and anxiety!
All I can suggest is to take some time and consider what is really important to you now - obviously not the scumbag of a manager. Maybe this can be turned into a positive, while at the moment it really stinks.

Take lots of care, SAmex

Jules2's picture

Re: So angry, yet so unhappy too.......


What a kick in the butt for you and I didnt much like your manager before and now even less so! What an ass! How stupid can people be? seriously!!!!

Sorry, but it makes me mad to read about situations such as yours. If he was in front of me right now I would be inclined to give him a quick education on what it is like to have cancer.

I applaud you for not sitting back and taking what has been handed to you. You don't need the stress or grief at the moment and yet you are able to stand up for your rights. Not everyone can do that, Willow so yayyy you!

As Jill has said ... I hope you got some sleep last night and are a little refreshed this morning.

Hang in there, WIllow and don't let the b's in this world drag you down.



ps you are never too old ... I am old and am considering studying next year ... tossing up exactly what to study at this stage!

Mrs Elton's picture

Re: So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

Dear Willow,

I just typed a reply and it seems to have disappeared into the world of cyber space..........oh well...........we'll start again!

I am so sorry that you have been placed in such a difficult position and made to feel so low. I wish that things were different for you and that I had some words of advice, sadly I don't.

Just be kind to yourself, know that we your cyber friends are here waiting for whenever you need to vent/share/whatever the case may be.

I hope that you get a restful night tonight and that tomorrow will bring you renewed energy, strength and clarity to think through your options.

Cyber hugs,

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