Just needing to talk......
I don't know whether I should be writing this or not but as I sit here alone in my house I feel quite desolate. The TV is on but just to break the silence. I should be feeling happy and excited as my daughter and I leave on the 30th April for a three week trip to London and the Greek Islands. So why am I not jumping for joy? Am I ungrateful for this wonderful chance to travel and experience new things? There are people out there who will never have this opportunity. Yet for a couple of weeks I have been increasingly worried about things. I have feelings that make me very uncomfortable such as sadness and fear and again I keep asking why has this happened to me ( very self indulgent I admit) I have decided (I think) to not go back to work - I did for a few weeks but just didn't cope - I was not well enough and I just couldn't fit back in - there were also issues with management not been supportive and making things difficult. I feel right now that my life is empty. I have no job, no friends and my family just want me to get on with things and not talk about my concerns or worries. The cancer is gone as far as they are concerned and that's that. My two children have gone to dinner with their father and uncle tonight - I am not invited. Their father and I do not get along and their uncle has never had anything to do with me. I don't really mind that I am not there but I wish the children (29 and 25) would tell them that I don't need to feel left out right now - couldn't they make an effort to put the past behind them and just be a family for now. I am feeling right now that my life has been taken from me already - that I have no direction or future. I arranged for an old friend to visit on the weekend and he cancelled - I contacted another friend who I knew was on leave from work and suggested we get together - I had no response. I 'had' three good friends and we used to catch up a few times a year with regular emails in between - since the cancer that has stopped.
I have had pain in my right shoulder for a few weeks now and it is not getting any better. I have gone to physio and seen my local Dr but have no answers as to what is wrong. I am worried and scared that the cancer has spread to my bones - the cancer was in my right breast. It was not hormone positive so I cannot have anymore treatment. So ....the real reason for this blog.....do I go overseas and then come back and see my oncologist and agree to a bone scan or do I contact him tomorrow and ask for a scan before I leave on the 30th????? I know the decision has to be mine but what do I do when I am terrified that the news will be bad. Now I sit here and cry .....this is happening so much again now .....I feel really bad.......I need someone to hold me and tell me that the cancer has gone and will never come back because I can't stand the sadness and the fear anymore..I should be happy .....I have a trip to prepare for ....so why am I soooooooo low?
Reading back on this it is full of complaints. I do have good moments and I do try to make myself think positively. I also put my name down to do some voluntary work but have not heard back from them yet. I just get tired of it being such an effort sometimes. I have been struggling with the organising of relocating my parents close to my home so I could spend more time with them - it has been a difficult few months with lots of problems and also a lot of sad times too. Mum has dementia and is often not at all well and deciding what to do with Dad was hard. But at the moment things seem to be settling into place - the nursing home I found for Mum is not even ten minutes walk from my place and seems to be ok and now Dad is staying there too in low care ( Mum is in high care) I needed to know that they are settled and looked after and that has been achieved. So that is definetely a positive. Anyway, I am rambling now as this is all over the place ...I just wanted to talk tonight and I know you all have felt bad sometimes. I will probably feel better later on - I will go and have some dinner and lose myself in my book. Thank you to all who have read this and good luck with your own personal struggles.
Kind regards, Willow. xo