Hiding my tears
My tears have always come at different times for different reasons over my life. I cry when I am sad, I cry when I am happy, I cry well just sometimes cause I need to?
I have respected Dads wishes not to cry in front of him over the past 16 months, with only one time when he was recently admitted to hospital and I just had to let it out. We talked about it, we hugged and he thanked me for trying to hold it together for as long as I did. He reflected with me and expressed that maybe it was a big ask to hold our emotions in when we were around him; especially given that I can be pretty emotional around my family especially with my Dad- its just always been that way.
I have been able to keep it together since this time but on the weekend found the tears streaming down my face while sitting with my Dad, Mum and brother having a laugh...I was happy but I know that the tears were sadness. Sadness that these times together are so limited, sadness that my one strong Dad was looking very frail and sad too, sadness that my mum is looking very tired, worn and trying to hide so many emotions 
My Dad kept loking at my tears, Im sure he was wondering whether they really were the happy tears that they looked like but i don't think I fooled him....
I know its okay to cry and believe me there are times that the tears come for no reason. I cherish them though and reflect on why they are there. I love my Dad xox
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Re: Hiding my tears
Dear all,
PLEASE NOTE: This commercial post has been removed by the Administration Team as it breaches the terms and conditions of usage for the website.
Kind regards
Kate
Cancer Connections Coordinator
Re: Hiding my tears
Hi Jods,
Grief is a normal human emotion. It would be so unhuman of you not to cry right now. You have held it together for so long. Cry, cry lots, cry together if you have to - but laugh as well, remember the funny stuff, remember the good times - talk and talk as much as you can right now. He knows you love him and he obviously loves you and that is what is important when it all boils down to it. That is what will help you come through this eventually. Who cares if other people see you cry - he is your dad and you love him and he is dying - of course you are going to be sad right now - who wouldnt be? But don't forget to remember the good times as well right now..............it sounds like you have an awesome father daughter relationship - that is something to cherish and to celebrate and something that you can hold dear for the rest of your life. I feel so much for you and for Chris right now,
Nicole
xoxoxo
Re: Hiding my tears
Hi there. I know exactly how you feel as I am feeling all the same things. I know my 83yr old dad hasn't got too much longer to go but I feel he is hanging in there for me as he said to friends weeks ago "i just don't know how Chris(me) will cope when I'm gone". And to tell the truth I don't know either. At this stage I can't even comprehend going to funeral etc and dad knows this and understands. Some days I try and keep busy and try to think this is all a bad dream but I know it isn't. People say"you are so lucky to have this time to prepare for when he goes" but how do you ever prepare for the loss of your parent. I just really wish I had a supportive family but unfortunately I don't ( even though they all love dad/pop). Only support I get is from this great website and cancer council councellor who calls every week!!!.I too try and keep things in when around dad but he lives so far away(even though I call him every night and we have lovely chats) but it is when we hang up the tears start and like you that can happen any time of the day. Thankfully dad is coming in 2 weeks to stay for a little while and I will really have to keep the tears in check. But it is so so hard especially when you love your dad so much. You take care and I am always here for you xo Chris