Fear......

willow's picture

Hi

Well - a little late perhaps but I have left a msg with my oncologist's secretary asking that he contact me today regarding the pain I have been experiencing in my shoulder.
Just making this call was difficult enough. I felt the now familiar rush of fear ....the racing heart and the sweaty palms. And that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will never get used to this feeling. And I haven't even spoken to him yet or had a test.
I despise everything to do with 'Cancer' and what it does to me.

Willow

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Jules2's picture

Re: Fear......

Hey willow

Sorry to hear you have been in pain. YOu have absolutely done the best thing by contacting someone to get it sorted. As vinouche has said ... stay strong. Just cross bridges when you have to, no point in putting yourself through a whole heap of emotions that you dont need to go through.

Julie xo

samex's picture

Re: Fear......

I could certainly do without the rides as well.

larn75's picture

Re: Fear......

T's scan came back suggesting restaging. Looks like we are back on the rollercoaster. Have to wait 3 months for a special scan as there is only one machine in Qld that can do it. Is that a good sign? The fact that the scan is not on rush through.
sigh, I hate amusement park rides. Sad

benlisecca's picture

Re: Fear......

Good on you willow. Thinking of you.

samex's picture

Re: Fear......

Oh God - the ever recurring fear!
Willow, I agree with Sailor. Better to be sure. Mind you I have also had a sore shoulder for a month or so and done nothing about it . Too busy dealing with other things at the moment. Oh, how we return to out old bad habits!
Cats - that is a bugger.
I can never escape the paradox of chemo - we hate it so much and what it does to us but we are terrified of not having it.
The constant uncertainty is what always seems to take us over whenever we feel that we are regaining an even keel. Thise pains we once ignored now loom in front of us as the possibility of something so much more sinister.
Cats, take some time for you while you are feeling a little better. Can you escape and get away even for a short time?

Take loads of care everyone and lots of deep breaths,

S

CATS's picture

Re: Fear......

Hi sailor
Thank you for your comments - will try to pamper myself, not sure if I will have the time - I'm still unpacking boxes after my move -its like Christmas opening boxes and getting a surprise when I see something I have hoarded away not thrown away as I should have!!!
When I finally do fall off the perch, my sister will have an absolute nightmare going through all of my things -ha suffer!!(that was meant in the nicest possible way)!

I am going to try and pretend that today didn't happen and just go on happily as I have been doing since my move and since sooky boy went to Sydney with mummy and the family oooh.
Thanks again meeeow

Sailor's picture

Re: Fear......

Hi Willow

So glad that you have rung the oncologist. It may be nothing and you will end up feeling like a fraud, but it is a fool who does not get such things investigated. As far as the fear goes - it may be worthwhile when you see your oncologist to have a talk with him about dealing with your feelings. As I have mentioned elsewhere on this site, I went though a period where I had panic attacks and was prescribed some medication that I took when the feelings hit me. I didn't need it much after that, just having it helped. He may also suggest some counseling, I can recommend it.

Cheers

Sailor

Never go into strange places on a falling tide without a pilot. Thomas Gibson Bowles

Sailor's picture

Re: Fear......

Hi CATS,

We have all had our metaphorical passport for the Kingdom of the Well taken away from us at the time of diagnosis, aka border control. We now have a passport for the Kingdom of the Ill! It is the only metaphorical passport we have at the moment.

So sorry to hear about your present situation and I am not going to try and gloss over anything. To me - and I am not medically qualified just another person with cancer - it doesn't sound real good. However, considering what you went in with all that time ago, it doesn't sound to bad either. Clearly they are not that worried that they want to do something immediately. Your are six weeks off chemo and have a scan in five and a half weeks - not tomorrow, not back on chemo immediately. Also you are off chemo which will give your body a chance to recover. So make the most of the next six weeks, don't be afraid to pamper yourself a bit, and do take care.

Best wishes

Sailor

She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
 Procul Harum - A Whiter Shade of Pale

CATS's picture

Re: Fear......

Willow you have made the call now it is up to your oncologist - you cannot do anything more. I am sorry that you are scared -
I understand the horrible sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach and the fear and panic - I experienced that today when I went in for my chemo and the scan results.
I saw the Oncology Registrar who thoroughly went through my file and after quite a few questions from my sister - I sat there numb - she went off to consult with her superiors and with the Oncologist who has been seeing me more frequently than the other 4 (public patient)!
I am now off chemo for 6 weeks. I have a scan in 5 1/2 weeks.
Apparently the tumors on my liver have got smaller except for one, but the tiny spot on my lung has increased a little and some other spots can be seen.
After my next scan they will decide the next course of treatment - new chemo drugs and new side effects or back to what I was taking.
They do not know why the drugs seem to be working on my liver but not my lung.
Bloody hell I went in originally for ovarian cancer then they discovered an advanced and aggressive bowel cancer and cancer in my lymph nodes and tumors (14) on my liver! Every cancerous bit of me was cut out except for my liver as the tumors were too many and widespread.
Now for some strange reason I have cancerous growths on my lung!!
Needless to say the positive and happy me who walked through the hospital doors this morning planning to cope happily with chemo (for a change) has now gone and has been replaced by another me who is very confused and very worried - I am not on cancer killing drugs - how do I cope?? how does my body cope - I have been receiving chemo for 6 months plus Avastin and a back-up oral chemo - now nothing.
sailor my curiosity about what type of passport I would receive is not looking good - oh well ..... bugger

vinouche's picture

Re: Fear......

Yes fear is an enemy, it will stop us from acting when we know we should. Well done for making the call, because it might be a happy outcome, and if not it is better sooner than later. Kep strong, all the best.
s

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