Dodging the bullet..........
I am very privileged as I have just returned from an overseas trip. While overseas I felt that the last year was just a bad dream and that this new experience I was having was my reality and my worries had faded away and I felt pretty good most of the time. Yet I have quickly learned that everything is still the same now I am back home.
I have had a pain in my shoulder for a couple of months now - when I got home I went to the doctor and she organised an ultrasound.
I have also started back at work (part time). On Friday I was sitting at my desk when I got a message from the surgery that I had to make an appointment with the doctor as she needed to talk to me about my test results. Straight away my heart skipped beats then started pounding ....I felt sick in the stomach and started to shake inside. And that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was happening. I rang the surgery and asked to speak with the doctor - they said I couldn't as she wanted to see me. The panic feeling was really starting to take hold. I told them to check with her. She eventually came on the line. She told me, 'Nothing serious showed up. It appears you have Bursitis.' All of a sudden the tears were streaming down my face.....I listened to what she had to say and hung up, all the time trying to hold it together. I sat there feeling I needed to talk to someone to tell them how I felt....the overwhelming relief- talk about the intense rush of fear I had felt ....the need to be held and to share these feelings. But there was noone I could do this with ....I couldn't even call family because there is noone who can totally understand what it is like. I felt embarrassed as I sat there trying to regain control of my emotions, hoping noone had noticed. Why had I overreacted like this........!! ?? I felt very uncomfortable...
I thought I was coping with everything and had even accepted that this cancer thing is now a part of my life. But when faced with tests and results I am once again aware that I am constantly just dodging the most likely inevitable bullet. I am not sure I can go through these feelings again and again. It is really just awful to feel this way. And I realise that I have to do it by myself each time as noone else wants or needs to know.
This has sharply brought me back to my reality and I don't like it.
Thankyou again for reading this ....I just had to share the way I felt last Friday as I had felt so alone. But thank goodness my results this time were ok.
Take care, Willow. xo